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I still adore this site because of the bit of nostalgia I get from it. It’s lovely. It however has faded quickly the moment Flash started getting sicker. I’m constantly caring for him. Recently I went almost a week without proper sleep I got maybe 5 or 6 hours in but I was absolutely energised. I had a buzz and I felt like I could do anything until I ended up falling asleep for hours and woke up at 2AM. The buzz was gone. I now feel exhausted and tired and I really want the buzz back.
Eating has been hard. I generally forget and haven’t even thought about it. Just living off of liquids? When asked about food I think realise I’m not hungry but need food then my brain short circuits and I just ask for a drink then boom I’m g o n e.
I’ve been having weird dreams too in a mix of nightmares that are spurring back up. It’s almost as if right now I’m typing in a dream and wherever I go during my naps I’m just somewhere else. During the long sleep though it kept switching. I was somewhere peaceful with strangers who were my friends but then I’d be somewhere where I felt like an alien.
My birthday is soon. I’m turning 23 but I don’t feel 23. Sometimes I still feel like an angry teenager who still lost and confused. I don’t even remember much from my teenage years after he passed away and left me on my own. Bastard, you better be keeping a space free for me next to you.
Is it bad if you start responding to the voices or things you see? I don’t do anything bad and it’s hardly a call to the void. Auditory and physical hallucinations have recently been increasing I’m guessing from the stress. The other day I spoke to the window about my favourite coffee and why I prefer it cold. One point I was speaking to the eyeless woman about someone who was making me mad. She didn’t respond of course she just stared at me from the door swaying side to side.
It’s like all the hard work that was put into recovery is now slipping from my grasp but I’m returning into a much more violent relapse than before. I’m fully aware my mental health is becoming worse but for some reason I think I’m faking it or it’s not that bad. I live in fear for when the memory blips start to happen. I have no control over those and I’ve been told I’m nasty, angry and manipulative.
My therapist explained it as abnormal periods of dissociation. Normal would be you in a car accident, things quickly become a blur and a buzz and part of your brain shuts off. You sit down and find a moment of calm then find yourself fast forward in time trying to process what happened. Me? I go months. I don’t know what I did or what happened.
I’m dizzy as I write this. I haven’t been this bad in so long yet here I am. I’m not sure what I should eat though. I got some vegan nuggets, pasta, noodles, rice or some vegan sausage rolls. I might have some coffee then wait for dinner and join in one a takeaway if the family are having one. I hope it’s pizza. I love cheese.
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