Where did I go?

Where have I been?

I hope someone thought about that at some point. The answer is simple. I was on vacation and forgot about blogs, my dear hobbies, my creative side - the side that keeps tapping my shoulder hoping I'd leave my phone alone and the feeling of thinking. That's what happened. I stopped thinking.

I relapsed. 

Not in alcohol, not in drugs, not nicotin, not anything like that. I simply relapsed on my phone addiction. It is embarrassing to say that I genuinely cannot take my eyes off of my phone. I'm scared of what I've become. I became something I used to fear and be disgusted of. I lost my self control and self respect. I became a braindead fucker that can't even think without seeing what others thought first. 

I used to-

I used to be someone who loved learning. I was the student who was reading chemistry book, history book or biology book just to learn - not only to score well. Now I read those books to pass and not to learn. I used to have all my desks, floor and bed full of stuff I used for my hobbies, but now they are mostly clean and lack mess. My room is full of books I wanted to read, but now only feel disgust toward. The books remind me of someone who used to read while walking to the bus stop; someone who used to read during the most loud break at school; someone who used to read ten books a month just for the sake of learning and having a chance to live another life. 

It's not only the phone.

Since I was a kid I've always escaped the reality to my thoughts. Sometimes it meant playing a conversation in my head over and over again; sometimes it meant creating a whole another world in my head where I could be anything. I think it's called maladaptive daydreaming and it genuinely ruined me. I see people saying it's a "weird girl hobby", but for me it's something so addictive that I replace all my social life with it. I've had these periods in my life where I might sit in complete silence and stare at a wall for hours and hours. Your "weird girl niche hobby" is my nightmare that I can't get rid of. I started around 7 years ago. I'm too deep in to quit and I hate it. 

I ditched social media (almost completely)

I put 5-minute timer on my social media apps and I will now promise to you, my dear reader, that I won't change it. I will limit myself and make myself feel worthless until my addiction is gone. Only form of social media will be this, pinterest and the ones I use to message to my dear friends. I will get rid of endless scrolling and I will get better. I will get smart. I will finish my books. I will learn. I will become the person I would've wanted to become. Someone who reads 100 books every year; someone who learns a new language all the time; someone who remembers details; someone who is so deeply passionate about learning and education that it's impossible to ignore. I will become someone who goes to an university, because I would've wanted that 2 years ago when I was living proof of what thinking human is.