My Queer Memoir

08/14/2026

I know this is different from what I usually post, but I would like to take more advantage of my freedom. I hope you understand.

I had never really felt the need to present myself differently in childhood. I thought I had everything sorted out. I liked Barbies, ponies, dresses...

I didn't consider the possibility until around 7th grade. As soon as Adam Lambert entered my music rotation, my view of myself changed. I was looking into a mirror, floating in

and observing. The way he presented himself early in his career is a sight to behold indeed. Beneath all the glitter, leather, and studs was someone who knew who he was. Me? Impressed. I wanted to carry myself in a similar, bold manner. Except I didn't know to what extent these feelings went. And so I delved further into the depths with my questions, untangling new discoveries about myself as I went.

Adam. Did I want him, or did I want to be him? That was my biggest question. While I did crush on him for a bit, my infatuation with his branding only grew.

At some point, I discovered the label "bigender", so I went with that for awhile. If you're not familiar with the term, bigender means to identify as at least two genders simultaneously. I felt like I still had room for femininity and femaleness, so I couldn't be transgender.

I thought I recognized my own balance in my identity at this point, but something still wasn't right.

I would have times where I wished I was a boy and a boy only. Only for me to change my mind the next day, and feel 100% female. This didn't fit the term I was going by, and looked further into it.

was the word I was looking for. Sure enough, it matched up quite well with my experiences. Sometimes I feel female, sometimes male, sometimes both, sometimes neither. Everything else fell into place from there.

I've had my doubts, my fair share of what-if's and fears. It's not always easy navigating such a big part of one's own identity, especially when the concept is so complex and individual and isn't taught at a younger age. But I couldn't be more grateful for internet access when it all happened. It has for sure made things easier for me than if I just never found out and tried suppressing my feelings simply because I couldn't find connections with other folks that shared similar experiences.

I sure hope that my self-confidence can improve as a result of being reunited with a missing piece of myself.

...said younger me.

Ah, today is a good day to love myself.