How to tie a tie

I don't know how to tie a tie. I've worn a tie maybe three times in my entire life. tie-mes. Haha. I think it's something dads would teach you. You, being their son. I didn't have a dad and I wasn't anyone's son, so I guess it never really came up. 

I mean, I did have a dad at one point. But I don't remember him. Something something work accident. I like to imagine he worked at a factory and got into some sort of ridiculously cartoonish accident. Clocking into my shift at the bowling ball factory...I hope no bowling balls fall on my head! 

I don't speak Japanese. Maybe my dad would've taught me that, too. Probably not. I think I'm destined to rawdog this.