my mind is a prison keeping me away from the world

i have been meeting a lot of new people lately, basically being forced to socialize and it's really good. i like them all very much, i have a lot of fun with them, and it seems they enjoy my company too.

i cannot for the life of me shake off the feeling that they are pretending to like me. i always make myself feel like an outsider, even though, realistically, i'm not. when i do try to interact with them, they accept it. and im not the only one starting the interactions. but always, always my brain tells me that they are lying, that i should not be there with them, that they would have been having more fun if they didn't have to deal with me, with my broodiness (the only solution to that would be to stop acting broody. but i can't help the feeling if it comes from my feeling unwanted. it's a vicious circle).

and then i start acting distant and not accepting invitations and, of course, a distance between me and them is created and i feel even worse.

i've been trying to fight it so hard. i'm doing a very good job, considering how a past version of myself would have acted. but it still doesn't feel enough to keep them close to me and to stop my feelings of loneliness.

i just can't convince myself that they like me. everyone can lie. i can't tell a lie from the truth, i can't read people. i never know what they are thinking, especially about me.

i fill myself with these thoughts before going to see them and in advance put myself in a position where they actually feel awkward around me, not because i'm awkward, but because i act like i'd rather be anywhere else than with them.

it is true sometimes. not because i don't like them, or because i don't think i could have a good time. it's only because i think they don't want me there.

i don't know how to communicate that so that i don't offend anyone. i don't think i should say something like that, though, just fix myself.

i don't want them to be offended for no real reason. i like them.

but feeling like they pity me is making me sick