girl i wish i knew

ok so i opened this profile because i feel like all i do is talk my friends' ears off about my problems but half of the time i'm extremely vague about it literally so much so that you have to play detective to understand who i'm talking about behind my many riddles if you even know the person. anyways here i will try to be a bit more direct about it because sitting in silence and pretending i am unaffected is ruining my life and i feel like i cannot breathe at all whatsoever. ok so last year in november i started dating a girl which first offense, i have never admitted to myself nor am i sure of being queer so i have no idea what i was thinking back then because i hadn't even known her for that long prior to our relationship. second of all it was an online relationship which i have always been very strongly AND vocally against in every way shape and form. my theory which well it's stupid to theorize about your own actions but i am extremely bad at recognizing my own emotions so i just blame it on being right around the time my mother had fallen sick suddenly after battling an autoimmune disease my entire life though being very stable through it. she died around a month and a half ish after getting admitted and my life crumbled in the background without me wanting to acknowledge it for a second. the girl, which i will refer to as elaine on here, was with me through it even when i refused to talk about it. she never pushed, showed understanding and compassion and was genuinely the only outlet i had at the time. i still refuse to talk to anyone about it and none of my friends outside of my main circle know. point is, i blame all of this happening because of my vulnerable state and unstable mental health. fast forward to our third monthiversary and a lot of emotional turbulence on my side because i slowly started realizing i hated being with her and relationships in general, i break up with her for the first time in silence by blocking her everywhere and disappearing. i last a month of no contact before i contact her again. and so the multi month cycle starts. i go back, it doesn't work because she's too emotional and suffocating, i cut her off. i go back. again and again. the entire time i am blamed for all of it and all of my uncertainty which sure, was my fault at first, but when someone begs you to love them so earnestly to the point of you not being able to recognize if you actually love them on your own terms or not will strip you of being able to love anyone at all. through her i discovered i am AGGRESSIVELY aromantic and probably won't be able to have a normal relationship with anyone in my life. i can't think of all of the things i've been stripped of in this experience but i don't recognize myself anymore. i don't know who i am and everything is so difficult to manage because i feel like i'm dependent on the devil to survive. i just want to stop caring and move forward but my heart is so heavy. not because i love her, i don't know if i ever did or if i just chased the attention, but because i've been stuck in the cycle for so long that i don't know how to live outside of it. i can't talk to my therapist about it because of the conditions around it. i don't know what to do. it's been a long 9 months of genuine despair. i feel like i am at fault for my own demise and i pray to God i am one day able to breathe in a fresh breath of air without feeling like i'll choke