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Okay, this is my second time writing this because I accidentally deleted it because I clicked something by accident-
Okay so I meant for my last post to be the last thing I write on this account, but I’ve realized that because I was writing out of anger, it came out pretty immature, even if it wasn’t completely wrong. It just lacks a lot of perspective, so I’m hoping that this shows a lot better how I think now. And no, this is not me trying to post everyday like I used to, you’ll understand if you read it, it’s about that too.
I feel I caused a lot of feelings that I didn’t mean to cause you. I don’t think that writing to you (in general) was completely a bad idea, there were some cute moments that happened because of it, but a lot of it had to do with trying to get you to talk to me, something that I know now is not possible, because I know that if you were able to you would’ve way earlier. I know that this upsets you, and it doesn’t help that I was pushing. From my perspective, I just wanted to help. I wanted to create the perfect situation where we could easily talk and then everything would work out but it’s just not that simple. It’s not that I didn’t think about how you felt, it’s that I didn’t take it into consideration when I wanted to try to get us together. Because I was caught up in the fantasy, and excitement from before and wanting to recreate that. And at times it got really cute. But it was never exactly what we truly wanted.
I can imagine how much it might have frustrated you to have me tell you in a bunch of different ways how much I wanna see you, when it is something that as of now you do not have control over. You will someday, be able to, but it’s not gonna happen after I tell you how. Someday it’s just going to click for you and you’ll want to do it for yourself. Because I know what it’s like to be in your position. Being told over and over what I should be doing. And of course intentions were good, but I ended up getting better way later and it was because I decided on it. Something I admire about you is how smart you are. I know you’re aware of it all, and I think you just get stuck. The reason why I wrote from anger was because I heard about what people were saying about me, and it made me really upset, and the person that told me encouraged me to tell you to show me that you’ll be there.
Though even that I understand even if it wasn’t the best thing to do. You were upset with me, and you couldn’t tell me, so you told friends, who called me weird but yk that happened I’m not gonna dwell on that. I don’t think there was much you could’ve done there either, but it wasn’t right, but you know that already. I think people tend to see others very two dimensionally. There’s so much more nuance to the situation than “Tobi is being mean” I even explain it properly, but friends don’t really care because if you’re hurting me then i should be apologized to, and technically yes,
But there isn’t enough understanding there. It’s not that you don’t know you were mistreating me, it’s that you haven’t been able to change that behaviour, so if you came back it would just repeat itself. I used to think that I didn’t even care if you’d apologize, just that I wanted to be able to talk to you again. But I respect myself so much more now. What you did makes sense. If you’re gonna come back to apologize you should at least come back knowing that it won’t happen again. But people around me, of course with intention to make me happy, hope that you’ll come back, and put pressure on me to either give up on you or demand respect, when I’m reality this is as respectful as it can get, even when it isn’t ideal. We both did things that had good intentions but ended up hurting, this is what stops this from being one person good the other bad on any side. There isn’t any sides to this anyway. We are just two people that haven’t gotten to the point where we are ready for this right now.
So as it is right now, I would not appreciate it if you came back, and that doesn’t mean I don’t care, it’s that I agree, and that sure, doing this did hurt me and I’m sure you did too, but sometimes that’s what happens. By hurting me once you wouldn’t have to do it again, I understand that now. I used to think that I would be able to calm you down from being overwhelmed by this, that if I had just been given a second chance I would’ve caught it before anything got out of hand, but that’s not how it works. I can’t love an attachment issue out of you. (Though part of healing attachment wounds is rewriting the belief that it won’t work out by having situations that do, meaning love does have to do with it, but it’s also you actively making an effort to regulate)
Your healing is yours to do, maybe with a professional but it’s not my responsibility. It for sure has to do with how I was raised to treat others, but I do not mind changing the way I think. I know that if you came back after doing the work, it would work out. (Of course I think the best thing to do is we both heal. We for sure both need it.)
So here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna grow up, and if it’s meant to be it’ll be but if it isn’t we’re gonna be alright. We already impacted each other’s lives a lot, and like a quote you made, (but I changed it like a little bit :p) I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, “we” just need time<3
- Kennedy
🖤💗⛓🥯
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