I'm still alive— life update

I didn't mention it (obviously because why would I) but my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer (mainly colon but it spread to his lungs, liver and kidneys) around May of last year. We'd been taking care of him through that time. He died March 25th this year. We actually found out through a fucking GROUPCHAT TEXT the day after because he had died an hour after we left from seeing him the 25th. I literally called it too, that he was going to die that day before we went to see him. It was horrible. I'll spare yall the details.

But ANYWAY during that whole time, after he was diagnosed my grandma, who was helping take care of him due to my mom and sister having to work, and I couldn't clean him, got into a car wreck and I needed to live with her during the time she recovered. Which left me in a house alone with a lot of alcohol and nothing to do. After i ran out of weed, i started drinking every day. At some point I got alcohol poisoning one night and my heart took too much of a toll. It was hurting badly, which ended up taking me months to recover from. Couldnt smoke, had to watch what i ate, I was very fragile. Around May of this year i started feeling good again, which my fucking dumbass took as an opportunity to go right back to abusing myself the same way I was before my health issues started. Ended up going back right where i was health wise. Which im JUST NOW RECOVERING FROM. AGAIN. This time im taking it seriously. I'm fully sober, I'm not even smoking cigarettes/vapes. This whole year ive spent in one long panic attack thinking i could drop dead at any minute. Honestly, i still kinda am worried about that. But atleast im no longer in pain. This whole experience has actually taught me alot. Its taught me to buy things if i want them, its taught me to appreciate every day, it's taught me that i shouldnt worry so much because the universe will take me whenever it wants.