cried for the first time in ages

well, more like, felt for the first time in ages.
i haven't allowed myself to feel sad or cry since god knows when. i finally did today, and i remembered why. i don't allow myself to feel sad or think too much, because when the distractions are over, i realize how bad i'm actually doing, when i cried, i couldn't seem to stop, and i just rained and rained. i realized how, under all the jokes and laughs and happiness i've been forcing for so long, i truly never got better and i have remained empty. i haven't put my feelings into words in years either, because i can't. i can't seem to put anything into words, the emptiness is too deep, and ironically too full to express. i can't put anything into words, so i just.
i relied in music to do that for me, but even then, i don't allow myself to listen to the sad songs, to listen to the lyrics i relate to, to listen to myself, to feel the excruciating pain of stopping all distractions and being conscious. today i did for the first time in ages. and i rained and rained.

i forgot how tired it leaves you.

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