Jealousy is fitting

For me, jealousy feels like the only thing I truly have. I'm secretly super hateful and jealous of everyone I meet. My friends, my classmates, my bf and even my very own brother, who grew up in my environment, yet has developed freely and had less burdens than me.

It's a cruel joke; I keep being told to be patient. In these times, I just want to go and sprawl back to my old self, where I had no one and I hated because it was safe. To me, everyone hated me back. Back when I didn't truly have ahold of myself because I was never in my own mind.(substances) Or where the canvas was skin, and I was some modern painter. Not because it's shallow to compare to, but because a lot of people don't understand why. It's truly ridiculous how empathy isn't a thing anymore.

What is the world waiting for me to do? I thought things were going to get better, I had overcome a year long art block. My art was improving. Then, I got diagnosed with scoliosis, and my brother disapproves of me going to military school.

He's a different topic. But it's weird to me how his first response is always to deny me and reject whatever I do or say, then accept it himself like he never hated it within a while. No apology...

The people...that listen to my rants about jealousy never truly see the extent of it, nor do they care or understand. The reason ...for me, the problem isn't "temporary" anymore (it never really was. Mental health and chronic illness affect you forever.) the problem is so big, taking up all of me, that it literally removed my future altogether. It's no longer temporary if it's currently shaping my future. Revolver dragon.

I get that people want to cheer me up, yet I remain unreasonably jealous and angry at them, they don't understand, they think I'm joking, or that I'm not that mad/jealous. The fact they even find something to say makes me feel even angrier. Your mind helps you, mine wants to destroy me.

It's a real fight to argue between you and you.