Nostalgia-holic

8/10/26 - 17:52

     Recently i feel like I'm so overcome by and crippled by nostalgia. I keep finding myself longing for something of the past that can never be again. Sometimes when I think about it long enough, it wasn't ever really there in the first place. I find myself missing the feelings and concepts of prior years of my life. Situations and moments that just felt simple and easy. I find myself missing and mourning things and people that I can never have again. Things were somewhat bad in my childhood and teen years, but I keep finding myself mourning and longing for my tween-late teen days on Google+, Tumblr, and Instagram. It was so easy to make friends with people my age who liked the same things I did. I had those friendships for so many years. It wasn't until I got in with a weird crowd and an abusive boyfriend of 4 years that I lost it all over the course of a few years. And then covid happened, and everyone forgot how to interact with people. I long for the days of people being kind and open to making connections. 

     I think most people my age are offline now, pursuing things I should have been pursuing when I was 18-20 instead of trying to despawn myself. While I am insanely grateful that I'm going to college to pursue my dream career, I can't get over this overwhelming feeling that I'm just too far behind & should give up. I keep feeling like I'm not where I should be. In the way that I am too late to be achieving my goals, I should have done it when i was fresh out of high school. But also in the way that I just feel I don't belong in this current year and social climate. I feel like I'm so stunted in the 2010's and I'm struggling to keep up and adapt. I just want to go back so bad sometimes. Back to when everything wasn't so bleak and hopeless. I try to stay positive and do what's best for me, but it's just hard. I have this lingering feeling of being on the verge of tears, but it just wont come. My chest feels tight and heavy. 

     Recently it's been a fear of mine that I'm not gonna make it to my 23rd Birthday. I want to and I will, I don't mean to alarm. I just cannot shake all these thoughts and feelings plaguing me. I think grief and depression just have a very cruel way of creeping in and making you feel like your life is over. It's not over- it's far from over. We're not chopped and cooked yet. I have a very sweet and loving fiance whom I live with and adore so much. My parents and I have greatly repaired our relationship over the years, and they are also very loving and kind to me and my fiance. While I mourn everyone I have lost, whether it be good friends I miss, family that excommunicated us, or [personal], I am grateful for the family I have left & wouldn't trade it for the world.

     Things will get better. I just need to get through the storm to see the sun at the end. 

- Metal