8/10/26: First Blog

I kinda forgot about this site because I was recovering from burnout at the beginning of this summer. I had plans to actually put my art/thoughts/whatever out there, because putting my genuine writing and art into the world has been part of a group of fears of mine that I want to tackle. I think I spent the last three years of university getting sucker punched by a litany of diagnoses. And it has caused bad burnout. Hence, May through June was just lying around and recovering.

I got a drawing tablet, like three or so weeks ago. It was cheap because it was supposedly refurbished; I'm guessing it was actually just old stock the company had laying around. A part of me was beating myself up, like why didn't I buy a drawing tablet sooner? I've generally always had thirty bucks in my back pocket. I know the answer to why I didn't. But that's more personal than I'd like to put on a blog for now.
I hate all of my drawings. I'm a perfectionist so I kinda expected that. My characters feel very flat, and I don't understand colors or anatomy. I haven't seriously drawn in a few years, it feels like. My art has definitely regressed. But enough bitching, I'm going to try to post some on here. Maybe I'll draw a comic eventually. I have a script for it. 

For now, here's an unfinished prothonotary warbler. Birds are a bit easier than humans. 

I also downloaded Blender and started doing that. This is my most recent model. I need to optimize triangles and get the hands, face, and hair together. And then I can start UV mapping. I also feel like the proportions are incorrect. In fact, I didn't use a reference (except for the arms) so I'm kinda expecting they are. 
It's going to be the 3d version of an OC I watercolored I think in the spring. I'm calling him Starboy as a placeholder, simply cause he has a lot of blues and yellows in his theming and I made little stars on his jeans. 
I haven't worked on starboy in a bit, I've felt drained again. I think it's because I changed my dosage of meds. But I'll get back soon. 

The final project is to zhuzh up some shitty refurbished laptop. I want to make a nice environment and kit it out primarily for writing and academic work. I've decided on just doing a Linux Mint Xfce and I have plans for the theming already. Only issue is getting a laptop. I bought a refurbished one online a few weeks back. Unfortunately, there was a serious problem with most likely the motherboard, so I had to return it. I want to learn more about computer hardware but the problem was entirely out of my wheelhouse. I'll be back to scrounging around for a device on Ebay again when I return from a trip next week. 
Anyways, here's my desktop on my current laptop, which has been rendered immobile due to a hinge defect. Mostly a tribute to Love Bullet (best new manga out there) and a bit of Revolutionary Girl Utena, my most recent obsession.

The theme for the next computer will be Bernkastel from Umineko and I am going to make the environment very close to Windows XP. 

A huge issue I've had impeding my ability to do projects is social media addiction. I've gotten over a lot of my addictions so far, but man. I get kicked in the ass by websites with infinite scroll. Right now the worst for me are Reddit and Youtube, I don't have accounts besides that. I guess my phone addiction is the main thing. The shitty thing about addictions is the way I've treated them so far is by avoiding them like the plague. Threw out all my drugs and I don't buy alcohol anymore (or at least I'm trying not to.) But I need my phone for work, so it's always fucking there. I bought a cheap flip phone on ebay and I'm hoping I can switch the SIM easily. I've read ATT is terrible for switching phones. Oh well. I'll know in the next week.
I get mad at myself a lot (are you noticing the theme of low self esteem yet) for not being totally over every single one of my addictions by now, but I guess better late than never. Breaking out of these cyles is largely thankless, but you have to do it for yourself.

Even further than that, I've stagnated creatively because there's been something deeply wrong with me for a while. I haven't had hyperfixations or interests outside of work for the past few years. The clearest, cleanest answer for what this all could be is dysphoria. I've spent the past few years denying I had dysphoria because that was easier. And finally, now that I've started hrt for a few months and begun to pass, I think I feel normal. I mean, I get panic attacks and shit because of how my family and the world treats me. But besides that, normalish. 
It's funny because I always thought of myself as someone very deeply in tune with how I felt, but I completely disassociated from my dysphoria because it was too difficult for me to face the music there. I think I have been depersonalized for the better part of a decade. The greatest moments I've had recently are when I realize I'm just a regular man and not a disgusting creature doomed to a horrible fate. They're becoming more common. As a man I am allowed to think about dressing in clothes I like, or doing hobbies I want to do, or even thinking of myself as something slightly more complex than a creature in a husk that can be used to smoke cigarettes. I have a few darker things I'm mulling about, but that'll be in another piece of writing. 

A lot more of this sounds negative than I had wanted. I've been pulling myself out of negativity since I came to uni. Correcting thought patterns and improving one's self is a slow process. I think my life is astronomically better than it was a few years ago. And it keeps getting better. Even when things are shitty and complex and weird, I remind myself I am a person and I have a future. That wasn't true four years ago. I hope everything gets better forever, for everyone.