ive really fucked everything up

i dont usually reach out for help for any reason and im not expecting anybody to read this, but things have gotten so bad, and i am just so alone that im posting this on my old spacehey account. hello, i am nika. im 17. and i want to learn how to feel ok again.

at the moment, my life has hit an all time low; which i thought would be impossible since i thought i already suffered my mental worst through the ages of 13-15 and believed things are maybe getting better. trying sometimes isnt enough. i like to hope how i feel is normal and a process in coming-of-age but, despite my perseverance, i dont know how to live without wanting to die.

my life isnt bad, im actually extremely priviledged which makes my heart ache with guilt feeling so worthless. every passing moment feels wasted and i am so lost and i dont know how to deal with anything.

i am one of those people who dont feel like mental illness/problems are things that affect me and that i do not struggle with any sort of sickness.

STORY:

i have really fucked up and, if anyone does end up seeing this, i will get some hate (which is okay). i met this boy online (T). me and T had a sweet friendship which quickly spiraled into something more romantic, which would be okay if i wasnt already with my boyfriend of ~1 year (J). i immediately told J the situation and he still stayed with me, which was very confusing but i let it happen. except, i kept holding T in my head (and kinda heart). this was around 2 months ago in june. T and i kept going back and forth finding ways to talk to each other and make time for one another despite me being with J. i made so many stupid choices and the guilt wont stop eating me alive. T did a lot of nice things for me, wrote me songs, made playlists for me, matched pfps with me, slept on call with me. as much as i wanted this attention, i kept pushing him away - which i knew was the right thing but he just never left my mind. this all sounds ridiculous, why would i even stay with J if im extremely fond of T. well, i really truly love J, which sounds impossible throught these scenarios but i feel like, if i wasnt such a bad person, i could make a good partner. ive really fucked it up. but, J doesnt know, but even if he did know he would probably still stay with me. T has finally left now and is letting go of what we had, and i am too. i understand i am an awful person but i dont really know how to cope with it. its hard to promise a future with someone if you cant see yourself alive in that time anyways.

over the past year (around february - now, august) i have never felt so much pressure and i actually cant handle it. school work, family, friends, relationships. it just gives me reasons to keep reminding myself im a failure. context, i do the IBDP and am about to start my 2nd year, meaning i have an ton load of work and essays due, projects to be completed, exams to study for, and deadlines to be met. i am a procrastinator and feel like my efforts never satisfy the workload. my relationship with my family has been on rapid decline and i cannot stand being around them. in my view, they can be extremely controlling and misogynistic and i hold a lot of distrust around them. they enjoy to nitpick, plan and critise a lot of my decisions and actions including how i handle school work and my relationship.

me and J are long distance, a plane flight away. its really hard to handle especially when im so mentally unstable and it drains him to keep comforting me, as much as he says it isnt exhausting, i know it is and thats why ive started to hide my feelings more and more. this is a prevelant issue as im also not close with my parents so i have pretty much no one to go to. he is the best thing to ever happen to me and i dont want to lose this with him - he really views me as his partner in the future. i do love him. i am so confused why i dont know how to let go so i can give him the world. he wants to stick with me through everything and, from what i see, he cannot draw the line between love and attachment, which worries me.

in short, i am really good at pushing away the people i love most. i hate myself. and im bad at being alone.

this all feels very light, i know many people suffer and stuggle much more than me - it feels like an overexaggeration everytime i open up about my feelings and that it is a waste of time on a receiving end. it would be nice to talk to someone about this. but for now this will do.

if you read this, thank you.