i have a problem

socialising has always been difficult for me as an autistic person of color with a long, hard (heh) history of being ostracized by peers, starting at elementary school, but even with this irritating hurdle already in place, i somehow infuriatingly manage to make things even more dire for myself..

i have high standards when it comes to who i want to associate with, which is incredibly counterintuitive because of my wish to forge more friendships. i often get envious of people that can form bonds in a split second within meeting somebody, like it’s just light work for them!

it already doesn’t help a bit that people’s first instinct as soon as they meet me is to get uncomfortable and enact their predatory microaggression where they approach me and mock me while pretending as if they want to be my friend. it’s disgusting. 

maybe those standards are just boundaries my brain has set so it can prevent me from being picked on again