living a fulfilling experience

hi hello hiiiii

how have you been doing? i'm fine thanks for asking. trying to balance how i see some things as i fear my made-up rules about life have been making my life miserable.

okay let me explain. 
i've been quite lonely these days, in the sense that there is no one to talk to in person since everyone's working and busy (and with no money and going outside costs money. why???). so i've been feeling as i did in the pandemic u know?? pacing around, biting my fingers, about to cut my bangs in the worst way ever. That's animal-in-captivity behavior and i'm glad i can recognize it as such.

i also noticed that being near other people makes the anxious traits in me stand out like a needle lost in my bed. i'm talking about black and white thinking. you see, i tend to obsess about the trash i find and try to separate everything and find an use for it...... when in (the sad) reality everything goes to landfill and the best solution is to buy less stuff. there's a middle point, you see? between hoarding things and being a wasteful creature there's a whole space in between that isn't 'the worst person in the world' and 'has never done anything wrong'. 

and yeah i think being in the real world has made me realize how much of this black and white thinking that comes from the internet has affected me, even more considering that i was practically raised by a computer. 

there's no ideal world, it's good to think about how we wish things were, but in reality everything in the whole wide world is so complex that good and bad are actually gray things. so yeah, i decided that all of the made-up rules i have for living my life are probably outdated. 

i will try to list some things to actually live for. if you want, you can add your own.

• -you can just leave. 
• -go outside everyday. 
• -if you dread it, but you know it's good, then do it. good things have this weird aura where you don't want to do them, and when you do it's awesome, and a day later you go back to not wanting to do them. 
• -the internet's nature is to throw you into a rabbithole of links. it has always been like that. if you don't want to do that, then turn it off.
• -productivity is not real. you can do one, max. two things a day. that's how humans are.
• -ask for help. nothing in this world was made by itself. it's quite impossible.
• -have fun. if it's not fun anymore, then don't do it.

on this last topic, i'm thinking abt the whole spacehey/friendwhatever/myspace drama. my goal for joining this site isn't to be insanely popular or whatever, it's just to have fun and post my little blogs. i don't care about numbers, i just want to have fun. so unless this site gets nuked, i don't think i'm switching to any alternative, since it's still what i want: i'm having fun, i'm posting my little blogs (and they can be accessed from my website), and i can read others in here.

so that's it. thankyou bye. :3