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I was surprised before when they hired me at this bar
with me having my hair dyed and all
But when I saw the uniform for the first time I feel like I kinda understood
It matched. The same shade of red.
I’ve gotten acquainted with the regulars after I’ve been introduced to them during my training
Then the bartender training me got fired and I took his place
Some of the regulars are pretty nice to talk to
..But others…. Let’s just say I have to smile through and pretend everything is alright.
It's time for my break now so..
I think I'm gonna go out for a smoke….
I don't usually smoke that much
Just when I can’t deal with the not-so-pleaseant regulars anymore
Which isn't often but it still happens
I lean back against an empty wall, take out a cig and light it
I sink slowly onto the floor as I breath in
Breathing out once I’m sitting down
“Rough day Mr. Bartender?” Someone else in the smoke alley asks
One of my regulars, looks kinda gruff, but I know he’s a good person
“You can say that..” I say in response before inhaling another puff of smoke
“I didn’t know you smoked” He says with a half-chuckle
I breathe out the smoke and stare at the cig for a second
“...You’re just not here for it when I do” I retort in a soft yet tired tone
“..It’s those other people that you’ve been dealing with, right?” He asks
“...The other regulars, yeah..” I pause for a second as I look up at the stars
“..Somehow you and them never showed up on the same nights until now” I say with a half-chuckle
“...How do you do it?” He asks
“Do what?” I respond
“..Be all smiley and shit around those assholes.” he says, almost muttering.
The amount of bluntness in that statement catches me off guard and I chuckle a little
“...I kinda have to, it’s part of the job.” I say in response
“..Honestly I kinda respect that..” He says with a sigh
…
I didn’t really notice he was smoking this whole time as well
“..Do you mind me asking why you smoke..?” I ask trying not to sound offensive
“..It’s a bad habit from a long time ago..” He says before pausing slightly
“...I mean, it helps with stress and stuff.. But I’ve been trying to quit..” He says as his eyes seem to look somewhere in the distance
“...I kinda get that..” I say, not wanting to push the topic
“...I think just about everyone that starts this shit does.” He says with a slight chuckle
…
I don't get to hear him laugh or chuckle much, it’s kinda nice when he does..
Wait, why am I thinking that?
Don’t think that.
“..Fair enough.” I say in response
Thankfully I think fast enough for there not to be an awkward silence.
I dread what would happen if that weren't the case
___________________________________________________________
The bartender sitting across from me inhales another puff of smoke after responding to me
I think I’ve run out of things to say, not that there is anything anyone could say in this state.
…
Names.
That's right we never really introduced ourselves before
Though I don’t know if I ever got the chance to ask before
“...Say, Mr. Bartender, I never got your name.” I say casually
“Blaze.” He says in response
“..Axel.” I say back to him, extending my hand out to him
He extinguishes his cigarette before going to shake my hand
Maybe he needs to go back to work now
“As much as this was a nice conversation Mr. Axel, my break is ending soon” Blaze says before getting up
Figured as much
“..Goodluck dealing with those assholes!” I say encouragingly, staying put and inhaling another puff of smoke
“..Thanks.. I think I’ll need it..” He says with a half chuckle before walking through the door
I’m not sure where I recognize that look from but it’s probably nothing
I breathe out the smoke
…
I should really work on quitting..
I put out the cigarette and throw it away
I sit back down in the alley
…
I wonder how my little brother is doing..?
______________________________________________________________________
Being in a band is really cool
I don't think I’ve said that enough
Strumming my electric guitar,
Singing to the crowd as their endless cheers almost make my ears ring
But I keep on going, because who am I to disappoint?
As the song ends, we all say thank you to the crowd
They want an encore
…My big brother might be waiting for me back home though..
The others in our band look at me in anticipation
…
He can wait a little longer, right?
“Alright, alright, we can do an encore” I say into the mic
The crowd cheers
God I love their cheering
I go to whisper to my other bandmates about what song to do
We all agree on doing our newest release
I switch out my electric guitar for a Banjo and help Ilma set up her synth bass and mic
We get in our places and share a nod
I play the banjo in a few notes before it’s Ilma’s time to shine
she plays a few notes on the bass before singing
“Fate; is the one thing that binds us”
“Chains; are applied to remind us”
“As we're-SHACKCLED TO THE LIES THAT BLIND US”
“And from our graves we'll rise up”
“REV-O-LU-TION-IZE.
AGAINST ALL WHO CLAIM DIVINE.
ALL SHALL RISE.
FROM THEIR GRAVES AND BE ALIVE
BREAKING TIME AND BREAKING CHAINS.
FREE YOURSELF FROM FATE.”
For this verse the rest of us sing without mics
Some of the audience joins us
“We have risen and we have heard
We will answer and we will purge
We have gathered and we will storm
WE HAD BEEN BETRAYED AND BEEN REBORN”
All of us together now
“REV-O-LU-TION-IZE.
AGAINST ALL WHO CLAIM DIVINE.
ALL SHALL RISE.
FROM THEIR GRAVES AND BE ALIVE.
BREAKING TIME AND BREAKING CHAINS.
FREE YOURSELF FROM FATE”
Back to just Ilma
“Free yourself from fate.”
Cheering from the audience can be heard now that our encore is done
We all take a bow
The crowd wants one more song
A worried expression crosses my face
“Now Now everyone, it’s getting pretty late now don’t you think?” Ilma says to the audience
..She noticed
Collective ‘Awww’ sounds can be heard from the audience
I look at her and mouth the words ‘thank you’
She nods slightly
“I know, I know… But there’s always next time, right?” She says to the audience
Collective murmuring from the audience
“See you all at the next show!” She says before we all walk away from the stage
Collective byes from the audience, to specific members, or the whole group
“Bye Anarchy Dreamers!” a couple of child-like voices are shouting alongside them
I smile, knowing that our songs are liked by the youth as well
We all pack up and head our separate ways
I put on my motorcycle helmet and drive home
I wonder how my brother is doing
_____________________________________________________________________
I get home at last and look around, Atlas isn’t home yet
I hear a motorcycle pull up, the person riding it carrying a guitar and a couple other instruments on his back
Looks like I got back in time
“Did you go out while I was gone?” he asks me
“I did, got a couple drinks and then went back, had a nice chat or two.” I respond
“..Sometimes I forget that you’re older than me and I don't have to worry so much about you..” He says with a half-chuckle
“If anything, I feel like I should go to your shows to look out for you on stage” I say in response
“..You don't need to do that, I can take care of myself..” he says before he looks like he realized something
Ah jeez, I smell like smoke, don’t I?
“Have you been smoking again? I thought we went over how bad that is for your health!” Atlas shouts, but I know he’s just worried..
“I know.. I just-” I pause before continuing “It’s just kinda difficult to quit..”
Atlas looks at me in a way I recognize. He doesn't understand it.
Honestly I really do wish I could stop so I don't have to see him look at me like that
“...You don't have to understand, but just understand that… It’s something I’m trying my best to work towards..” I say solemnly
Don't look at me like that
Please I can’t have you look at me like that
Not after everything that's happened
“...Its hard to believe you, you know…” He says before walking inside
…
I know
I’m sorry
…
I say nothing
We’ve had this conversation so many times there’s nothing more to say
God I wish it was easier to quit smoking
..?
Oh
I didn’t even realize that a tear slipped past my eyes
I wipe it away and force myself to stop crying
I can’t
I’m the one at fault here anyway.
____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
My alarm goes off
Time to get ready for my day job
I mean, I can’t exactly make a living being part of the Anarchy Dreamers
Even though I wish I could
I wonder if the others have the same issue
Especially Atlas, I saw the worried look on his face when the audience asked for one last song
He was worried about his brother
He doesn’t talk about how old his brother is, but I’m guessing he’s younger than him
I’ll dwell on that later though
I gotta get ready for work
Thankfully the cafe I work at isn’t so bad
Most of the time anyways
Some people come here regularly, others only on occasion
And sometimes there's new people
A gruff man comes up to the register, I half expect him to order black coffee or something
“I’d like an apple fritter and an iced caramel latte please” He says in a tired tone
Not what I was expecting, but I guess I shouldn’t always assume things of people
“Will that be all?” I ask, like always
He seems to think for a moment
“A strawberry tart and an iced matcha latte” He says in response
Is he getting something for his girlfriend?
Whatever, not my place to know
“Is that for here or to go?” I ask
“To go” He responds
I type in the register
“That will be $35 please” I say reading out the total
He hands me $40
“Keep the change” He says
“Thank you sir, have a good day” I respond
I hand him his receipt with his order number on it
He goes to sit down and wait
I continue on with my work day
____________________________________________________________________________
I look at my receipt after I sit down
78
Guess thats my order number
…
I know that Atlas likes strawberries and matcha
I thought it would be a good thing to at least get him something while I’m here
…
Would he think it’s an apology?
…
I feel so shitty about this
I should apologize but that's not what I’m getting this for
..
Is it so bad that I want to get something for my little brother?
…
I hate how complicated this is
I rub in between my eyes and sigh
“Number 77!” someone shouts from the pick up counter
Guess it’s almost my turn
….
….
I pull out my phone and check to see if there's any notifications
Blank
I put my phone back in my pocket
…
….
“Number 78!” Someone shouts from the counter
I walk up and show my receipt
I take the takeout bag and takeout cupholder that is handed to me
I nod in a thankful gesture before walking out the door
I start walking to where I know Atlas works during the day
….
I stop mid walk to rearrange the stuff
Putting what I got for Atlas in the takeout bag and putting what I got for myself in my own bag
I take out a marker and write on the takeout bag
‘For: Atlas, From: Your big bro’
…
This shouldn’t be as awkward now, right?
I walk up to the side of the building Atlas works in
I knock on the employee door
Please don't be Atlas that answers
One of his co-workers walk out
I sigh with relief internally
“Can you give this to Atlas for me?” I ask, handing over the bag
He looks at the bag for a second
“Ah, so you’re the brother he’s been mentioning” He says with a smile
“He’s mentioned me?” I ask
“He always seems worried about you, no idea why though; you look like you can handle yourself just fine” He says with a half chuckle
I don't laugh
I know exactly why he’s worried
“...I’ll be on my way now” I say with a wave as I turn to leave
“Alright then, have a good one dude!” He says, he might be waving back but I can’t tell
I take out the stuff I put in my bag, eating the breakfast I got as I walk to my own job
….
I try not think about how Atlas reacts to me getting him breakfast as well
____________________________________________________________________________
“Hey, Atlas! Someone dropped something off for you!” One of my co-workers shouts towards me
I look, its a brown paper bag with words written in black marker
‘For: Atlas, From: Your big bro’
“...Axel..” I mutter without thinking
“What was that?” My co-worker asks as he gets closer
“...Nothing, don’t worry about it..” I say as I take the bag
…He got something for me
…He was thinking of me?
..Why..?
“Arent you gonna take a peep inside?” My co-worker inquires
“..Later, we have work that needs to be done.” I say in response, putting the bag into the employee-only fridge
I prefer performing over being a waiter for a restaurant
But I gotta make a living somehow
Apparently keeping me as a waiter also attracts customers because of my audience
Not that I mind, of course
It’s always nice to talk to my fans in person
They always try to tip me extra
It’s nice of course, but I always end up feeling bad
I wonder if the others also get this attention at their jobs
Or maybe they hide themselves?
Ilma would probably do that
Not so sure about the others though
…
When my break comes I open up the employee-only fridge and take out the bag that my brother dropped off for me
I sit down in the employee break room before opening it
A strawberry tart and a matcha latte
“..He remembered..” I mutter to myself
..Knowing him he would feel bad about our argument
But he would probably rather apologize in person
..
..Not that he needs to
…
I just can't help but get mad at him for not taking care of himself..
…
…He remembered I like strawberry and matcha
I smile somewhat at that thought
I take a bite of the strawberry tart
“Holy moly that's good.” I think to myself out loud
Where did he get this from?
I wanna ask him but I don’t really want things to be awkward..
….
Maybe it’s about time I do more research on how addiction works
I feel like I should have done that earlier
..Maybe then I could understand what he means when he says that ‘It's difficult to quit.’
….
Later though
…..
There's still work to be done
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
There aren't any shows today
I mean we can't always cobble together our funds to work out a venue
I suppose I could try to write something for a new release
…..
Before that…
….
I don’t know what I’m gonna find
I shouldn’t be this afraid
Why am I afraid?
I’m doing this so I can understand him
…
Maybe that's why I’m afraid
I’m afraid to come to terms that I might have been an asshole towards him
….
I wish this was easier
….
No.
That's not what this is at all.
…..
I wish I did this sooner
I go to my room and set up my laptop
I type in the search bar
‘how does the struggle with a smoking addiction work?’
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
END
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