I'm in a constant state of fear

Hi everyone let's talk about my horrible social anxiety.

I recently moved to another city for uni and I've been struggling, hard. My anxiety has gotten so bad to the point where I can't eat in public or else I physically throw up. It all started when I travelled by car with my parents to this uni and I felt a constant sharp pain in my chest like I had forgotten something or that something terrible was going to happen to me and that feeling went on for 3 weeks. When my new friends started noticing that I was always nauseous and couldn't finish my meal that I thought I needed to do something about this so I called my parents to send me my anxiety meds I used to take about a year or two ago and I booked a therapist apointment. I really thought I was doing better but it was only because I was mostly staying at home in my room all day for 4 months after highschool. I rarely went out of my comfort zone for 4-5 months and all of a sudden everything was new and I think it shocked my system a little. I think it was the worse my anxiety has been my whole life, my hands would shake and I would feel uncomfortable sharp pain in my chests all the time and it felt so horrible to the point that I was nauseous. I was in an unfimiliar envioronment, new friends, new living space and I have to get used to a whole new studying system with new subjects I had never heard of before, I wasn't prepared for any of it.

my friend once asked what social anxiety felt like and I couldn't really describe it well but what I would say is I'm in a constant state of fear where I'm scared all the time that I'll embarrass myself horribly no matter how ridiculous it is. I have to mentally prepare myself to go outside and do daily acivities because I'm terrified of being seen. I constantly overthink about everything I do I think someone is always watching me, it's like there's a spotlight of humiliation on me at all times in that whatever I do it's stupid and embarrassing and I can't be seen. It's like I'm ashamed of myself, I don't want to be seen in public with myself. I have to do everything with a friend because if no one's doing something with me then I'm afriad I'll look stupid even something as simple as riding a bike to my dorm or going to buy dinner I can't do it. I always overthink something dumb about daily things I do oh like somehow my uni moved places and I'm going the wrong way, the class cancelled and everyone knew except me or I somehow ended up in the wrong class. sometimes I wish I was invisible so I can do daily tasks in public without being judged but the problem is no one is judging me it's just all in my head and I can't get out of it. I know logically it's ridiculous and makes no sense but in my head that voice weighs so much more and it takes control over what I do and how I act. I can't pee when I go to the stall next to my friend because I'm afriad she'll hear the sound of my pee that's how bad it is, I freeze when I'm in a group settings where everyone is quiet and dong their own thing even if I'm thirsty or need to pee I won't move that's how bad it is, I physically can't sneeze in a unfimilair public envioronment that's how bad it is.

it's pathetic and it's stupid I know 

"Oh you people can't do anything" I know and I'm fucking angry because I don't know why I'm like this and I have no idea how to fix it I feel stuck all the time like there's this invisible cage around me preventing me from being free and just acting normal and feeling normal in public spaces like there's eyes on me all the time and i wish so badly that I could just move freely around the world but there's just a mental block stopping me.

this is now the fifth week of me being here and I can say it has gotten a little better. I still have to take anxiety meds because I'm afriad I'll panic without them but I have found ways to cope. what I find that helps with social anxiety a little is to read mangas or webtoons to distract yourself instead of doomscrolling, I think it works better because it kind of pulls you into a fictional world so you can escape reality a bit and another thing is I usually am a coffee addict but if I don't drink it I become sleepy all the time but then I don't feel anxious since I am so sleepy but the downside is obviously if I'm sleepy then I can't really get anything done. 

I feel more familiar with my classes and my friends now the thing I'm most stressed about are exams that are coming up soon but atleast I can manage those a little.

I hope in the future one day I can feel free and comfortable enough to be myself and I won't have to live in constant fear anymore :)