mother

i'd like to be a mother someday, and i know that it's selfish, unfair and so wrong and completely reprehensible but i think that my desire is stronger than my reasoning and values. that said, i agree w those who says that bringing children into this world is just selfish and wrong and unfair and whatever they say, i totally get it and understand their point of view and relate to what they're saying but i'd really love to be a mom. i always have. i'd be so sad to die alone.

i like imagining what kind of mom i'd be. i have a guinea pig and i feel like a mom so i have an idea of how i'd behave with my child even tho it's not quite the same thing.

i think i'd be cool and chill, intelligent and emotionally as well. i'd be understanding, selfish because that's just the way i am, generous because i give a lot to those i truly love, sometimes strict with them. i'd have high expectations, i'd be a loner, weird i guess, i've always been a weird girl.

i'd still be me, i'd stay true to myself instead of devoting my life to them. i'd keep going out w friends or on my own, working to earn my own money, doing the things i like, and so on.

if i ever argue w them i'd be so unbearable i think, since i hate being wrong..

i hate myself sometimes because i'm so melancholic and depressed, not very expressive and confusing, and i'm afraid that will affect my children.

i'd feel really guilty, of course.. and i'd often think that they deserve better or a better mother.

i'd be so nostalgic, i'd often talk with them and getting to know them because my parents don't know me at all so.. i've always told myself that was horrible, and i'd rather die than have that kind of relationship w my children.

i'm also afraid i'd hate my children or regret having them. and i'm afraid they wouldn't love me, just like i don't love my mother. 

i don't know if i'd be a good mother since i don't even know if i'm a good person, but anyway..

i'd be such a perfectionist and i'd hate myself every time something went wrong with them. i'd also be really mad and disappointed if they don't relate or understand me, i'm lowket a conspiracy theorist and it would hurt me to hear them call me crazy and see that they perceive the world the way i did when i was younger. 

i'd be so sorry if they ended up becoming just like me. but i'd also be so sad to realize that we're so different..

i'd like to have 3 children, maybe even 4. i think i'm too selfish and weak to have more. and i think that the fear of being a bad mom is stronger than anything else. i'm afraid to fail them. my parents aren't very bright so maybe that's why i'm so afraid of ending up like them. 

but who knows ? i'm only 18, i'm starting college next month—i still have time, i guess