Just a thought, 001

Today is one of those cold and rainy days, the kind that brings me a sense of familiarity. I often wonder why, of all seasons, I love the one that's so often associated with sadness. Maybe it's the comfort the cold brings against my skin, or maybe it's something else entirely. Until now, I still don't know how to answer that question. What I do know is that on days like this, I always find myself sitting by the window, watching all the droplets of rain fall. I zone out, letting myself listen to the noises made by the heavy rain. Funny how it's the only time I turn off the music on my phone and set my headphones aside. Somehow, despite the rain being so loud, it quiets my mind all at once. If you know me, you know I rarely go a day without music. It's always been the only thing that drowns out the restless worms in my head and the uneasiness they bring. But when it rains, I don't need to open my Spotify at all. The rain somehow becomes enough. I do feel bad for the homeless and the stray animals during this season. I hope they find a warm meal and a cozy shelter to rest. As for me, I still can't find the right word for what this weather makes me feel. Is it sadness? Longing? Nostalgia? Or is it something else entirely, something that doesn't quite have a name or a word for it? Every year, same old habit, same old me trying to decipher this feeling, digging deeper through my old memories as if one of them might finally and magically have an explanation for this. Unfortunately, things point me to NOTHING. Still, if I had to guess, I'd say the rain gives me permission to feel whatever has been quietly sitting inside me. Rain gives me the validation that it is okay to feel this sadness within me. I can say that it gives shape to a sadness I can't explain, and an unnamed longing I can never have an answer for in the back of my head. The rain fills my world with a kind of silence wrapped in noise, and somehow that noise is loud but comforting enough to drown out the overwhelming thoughts residing inside my head. Sometimes I wonder if other people feel this too, or if I'm alone in searching for a word to describe something that may not even have one.