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I feel so miserable.
Whenever I look in the mirror tears start to appear in my eyes. I hate seeing that face. I hate me.
When I'm with my friends, looking at the picture of us... I don't feel like I belong there. I tried talking to psychiatrist, but she doesn't understand my feelings at all. "Try telling yourself you're beautiful" just hearing it is making me wanna throw up.
I do lots of stuff to distract myself from thinking about it all but... some of them aren't really good for me. Even tho I know that, I do it, not knowing why.
Life is filled with lots of questions, that we don't have answers to. I hate it. Sometines it's making me cry.
Why can't I be normal teenage girl with lots of friends and life full of hapiness? I'm sad. And the worst thing about it is that I don't know if I could ever be happy again.
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Aquin0.o
Hi!, I apologize in advance for my English.
I can understand what you’re going through, and I’m really sorry. No one deserves to look at themselves one day and feel nothing but hatred toward the person they see. And I think it already takes a lot to be able to put those feelings into words.
The usual advice of looking in the mirror and repeating positive statements can work for some people, but of course, people respond to things differently. If telling yourself “I’m beautiful” only makes you feel worse, then maybe that isn’t the place to start. I hope you’ve been able to tell your psychiatrist how strongly you react to that kind of advice.
Maybe I don’t have any formal education in this, and I might be completely wrong, but something that has helped me is asking myself: Where does this hatred come from?
Sometimes, the way we see ourselves is connected to things that happened long before we were able to understand them properly. When I was little, for example, I experienced neglect from my father. Being abandoned at such an early age is something a child cannot necessarily process in the same way an adult would.
I sometimes think that, when a child experiences something like that, they may end up turning the explanation inward: Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I wasn't worth staying for. Maybe I am the problem.
I don't know if that's what happened to you. I don't know where your hatred comes from, and I don't want to pretend that I do. There could be many reasons, and perhaps you don't even know yet.
But maybe, when you're feeling a little calmer, you could ask yourself that question—not necessarily “Am I beautiful?”, but “Why does seeing myself hurt this much?”
Because sometimes the things we hate about ourselves didn't begin with us. Sometimes they are things we learned to believe about ourselves somewhere along the way.
And maybe understanding where that hatred came from can be a more honest place to begin than forcing yourself to love what you see in the mirror.
I truly hope that, with time and the right kind of help, you can work through this. And one day, when you look into that mirror, I hope you can see yourself without immediately feeling the need to hurt yourself with what you see.
PETTINA
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