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i haven’t written here in about a month. I feel like nothings happened but I think that’s just because I’m trying to ignore everything. I had my first college classes in like 2 years, I guess I’m a student now. I decided to go back to school and major in art because I have no passion for anything. I took my first college art class and it instantly changed my mind, now I’ll have to find a new major. I know drawing and practicing is the most important thing in art but I feel like it was just a waste. I took a beginning class because I was expecting to go over basics (especially in composition) but it was All still life drawings every class.. I think we watched 3 YouTube videos but other than that my professor never bothered to explain anything. I wish that we got feedback and had opportunities to critique work but it was just Drawing. I was looking forward to having a critique in class again but we never had one. I also couldn’t fucking stand the music my professor played in class. Two times a week for two hours at a time we had to listen to the most infuriating millennial burger joint music. Onerepublic needs to pay for their crimes against humanity. Ed Sheeran can go to hell. I hated every second of it. It was also more homework than I expected for a beginner art class. I just hated how much work we were assigned when the professor couldn’t even be bothered to put effort into teaching. He couldn’t even remove another professor’s name from the final study guide. The study guide that was all terms that we never even mentioned in class. I’m glad that I already knew everything we had to study but isn’t the point of a class to teach you stuff for the final???? Anyone that hasn’t taken an art class before was just fucked. I took an English class too. I don’t have much to say about it, I actually thought it was pretty good. My professor very obviously didn’t like how this school dealt with course goals but we still had time to go over everything we needed to. Everything was given full credit just for completion so I think I’ll get a B. I was scared to start this class because it was in-person, but I actually found it pretty easy to talk to people when we had to do peer review work.

 I’m supposed to meet with a career guidance counselor through the school soon. I don’t really know what to expect but I have nothing else to do. I was also supposed to talk to a psychiatrist last week after putting it off for 2 months. I was super nervous before the meeting and the host never joined. I ended up staying in the meeting for 30 minutes before just leaving. Thank fucking god it was over zoom. I got a call with the person I was supposed to meet with and I guess they scheduled me with the wrong person :/ I already don’t like the idea of seeing psychiatrists and therapists but I really have nothing else to do at this point. I want to take this as a sign to stop because I’m probably fine anyway but I have to force myself to try new things. I also need to schedule an appointment with a therapist but I can’t keep up with everything., 

Two weeks ago parents told me I was getting kicked out in a couple months. A few days ago they told me that I’m not going to get kicked out anymore. I already started putting some of my stuff in boxes so now I’ll have to take everything out. But now that I don’t have to leave my dad’s been fucking obsessed with rearranging my room. I don’t even want to move anything, I like how my stuff was before. He won’t shut up about how messy my room is and how I have too much stuff. I’m trying to be out of the house as much as possible because I hate talking to him. He acts like a fucking idiot when hes in my room and gets mad at me if I get upset when he breaks any of my stuff. 

I’ve been doing very badly this past couple weeks. I’ve been irritable and tired all the time. Every minor inconvenience makes me so mad I can barely function. It doesn’t help that it’s always hot as fuck and that makes everything even worse. I can never sleep at night and somehow sleep through all my alarms when I don’t have to go to class. Everything is a fucking chore. I hate having to eat and I hate having to sleep. I hated doing homework and I couldn’t even draw until a few days ago. Every time I try to do any hobby I get so mad I have to start doing something else. I don’t think anything’s fun anymore. I want to be distracted but I can’t even focus on anything. And my parents keep complaining because I have no plans for the future. Sometimes I think I should be worried but I only have a few more years left at most. I’ll probably just say I’m going to finish college and hopefully won’t have to worry about anything after that. I don’t know why I’ve been so angry lately. Two days ago I felt fine. I felt like that was how most people always feel. I don’t know what happened, It was just like for two days I didn’t care about any of my problems. I didn’t get unreasonably angry when dealing with any small inconvenience. Whatever happened to me those days has gone away and I feel just like I did before. I hate taking care of myself. I hate talking to people. I hate all my hobbies. I hate thinking about school. I hate thinking about my future. I can barely hear out of my left ear. I always clench my jaw and it’s starting to hurt when I eat. I don’t want to see a doctor so I’ll have to live like this. I will be alone for the rest of my life because I want to be miserable. I wish i wanted to get better. It would be stupid of me to blame everything on some deep rooted psychological issues, there’s nothing wrong with me. I could get better if I wanted to but I’m choosing to hate my life. There’s nothing that I can do to help myself because I don’t want to change. 

Yeah no ones reading all that 😂 😂 😂