on fame and getting cancelled

i often think about whether my old posts, such as this one, will be dug up one day when i’ve “made it”. there is no doubt in my mind that i will one day win an oscar*, but i worry about whether my online footprint will follow me around.

it makes me feel scared. not because i recall saying awful things, but because all of my teenage years were spent on twitter and tumblr. with teenage years come growing pains: shaped like awkward roleplay, sexual exploration, and stupid arguments i’d get myself into. i was an isolated teen, which means all of that happened online, and i was also a vulnerable teen, which means all of that happened as i was getting groomed, forming unhealthy attachments and in a permanently suicidal state of mind. i have big gaps in my memory from that time, so it’s hard for me to get a good grasp on what exactly is out there, and i have a lot of shame i still carry around, so everything associated with that period of time feels like an untouchable dark cloud hanging over my head. i don’t remember much more than “this was bad”, and all i can do is hope that The Bad doesn’t come back to haunt me.

please, god (or whoever), let the internet implode instead.

*i’d be a fool for not wholeheartedly believing that and pursuing this career anyway; i’d be a fool for wholeheartedly believing it, too.