Jan 23rd 2022

I stayed up till 5am reading and then woke up at 10am. I remembered i had made plans with someone to hang out at my house the day before. I guess it was sort of a date? It wasn’t really, platonic. So she comes over and we were hanging out. Lets call her, H. So H and i are hanging out watching YouTube sitting on my bed and she’s giving me enough of space for me to feel comfortable and i was like, cool! She puts her arms around me and I’m a little uncomfortable as my brother is home and my doors open but its fine its not bad or anything. So after a while i get up to grab a blanket and when i come back in the room i close the door behind me as one does. So we just kinda vibe and enjoy each other’s company browsing social media’s and I’m ranting about the book I'm reading. Things calm down a little so we’re both kind of doing our own things but still talking a bit and she starts getting a little bit touchy and I start to get uncomfortable but its fine I’m just not in the mood but its fine like its not that bad so i keep browsing social media and H is just watching over my shoulder and randomly kissing my cheek. But as time goes on i feel myself getting more uncomfortable and I’m like alrighty um ugh. But its fine so I don’t say anything. I feel myself losing touch with my emotions which doesn’t happen often for me and I’m like. Why don’t i feel anything? Like at all? And i still romantically i know i like this person but for some reason its like my emotions were gone. So she notices and she’s like, hey are you okay? I felt so weak emotionally I couldn’t reach the words that lay on my tongue. I shook my head and she was like, why? And I couldn’t talk. I knew i could i just couldn’t break the barrier between my tongue and the words i wanted to say. So I didn’t say anything. I had felt paranoid that we were being watched the whole time which made it worse. She asked if i wanted to just lay down and cuddle and i nodded so we did. I felt so wrong, so not alive, so not okay. And i knew it was because of the constant touching but it wasn’t bad. It wasn’t severe it wasn’t anything horrible. So i just laid down in her arms. She started getting more touchy and i was uncomfortable but I couldn’t find my words to tell her she was the reason i felt numb. We both mean the world to each other and i still liked her i just wasn’t in the mood. She started kissing me and i would pull away often as a wordless, “No.” but she couldn’t seem to understand. I still couldn’t reach my words and I didn’t know what to do. She started getting really touchy and i pulled myself away from her grip obviously uncomfortable. She just asked why. Why? I was so uncomfortable and obviously “saying” no and the only thing she asked was, “why?” She laughed to herself and tried to keep kissing me. I was so conflicted so i just let her kiss me until she had to go. I then promptly got up and took a long shower trying to wash them away. I thought i would feel better but I didn’t. So then i wrote poems to cope but nothing helped. Eventually i relapsed. It still didn’t help. It made me feel a little better when i was cleaning up though. It makes me feel better to apologize to myself for my wrongdoings. And after that I realized how much i miss my friend lets call her S. S moved away just a while ago and it hurt me a bit more then expected. But just then I realized something. I realized S had d8ed H and S broke up with H just a while ago. It was clear when they were together she would flinch more. I was messaging a friend and they said she had a discord because her phone had been gone so I didn’t know there was a way to contact her. I added her and she added me back relatively quickly and H came up in the conversation rather fast. I learned much more about H so quickly. We also talked about how much we missed W (the former host.) I quickly learned that the incident with H was not a coincidence. So now I’ve got to find a way away from H as quickly as possible while keeping up a facade of endearment. I need to distance myself and i will figure out how. Anyways that was todays events. Goodnight all. -maddex