I don't understand my emotions

Hey, I haven't been here in awhile, but my therapist hasn't called back 2 reschedule my appointment and I think she's resigning, so I wanted 2 put this here instead of venting on insta bc I don't want my irl friends 2 be worried or know abt this. So yeah. I don't understand how I feel, I haven't ever rlly understood. But, not in an edgy emotionless way, but in a way where I can't tell what emotion is what. Like rn, I don't understand how I feel abt a person I used 2 b friends /w and who used 2 have a crush on me rn. I can't understand if what I feel is romantic or platonic. Im telling myself I just want 2 b their friend again bc they're kewl, but deep down idk what I feel abt them. Even if i did like them i'd feel like such an ass now bc i used 2 have a chance. they went out of their way 2 make me such a heartfelt note on valentines day and got me a gift bag (AND THEIR WERE SO MANY SIGNS I WAS OBLIVIOUS 2). I didn't rlly reject them, but I just told them I didn't understand how I felt and felt like I wasn't ready 4 a relationship at the time.(idk if that is rejection thats just how I felt in that moment and I didn't want 2 b in a relationship with them if I didn't even know like them back bc thats toxic af) We were kinda awkward friends until the end of the year, I tried 2 treat them like I usually would but there was always an awkward tension between us bc I knew they still liked me. We grew apart bc we didn't have classes 2gether and I sat /w a diff group of ppl instead of that friend group we used 2 b in(which is in shambles as of recently) I hope I can b their friend again, but right now I don't understand if I have a friend crush or a CRUSH crush (winkwinknudgenudgerefiykyk)