strength in forgiveness

Everything's still unclear how and why I'm starting to write this, but I just cried a lot while taking a bath and listening to "We Hug Now" by Sydney Rose. What led me to that kind of moment is when I encountered something beautiful in my doomscrolling, it's an old 80's scene of a Filipino Movie "Bituin Walang Ningning" where at the finale of the movie, the protagonist stopped her song, called the movie's antagonist, hugged and kissed her as she wants to leave stardom and hugs her boyfriend. Seeing that kind of scene where she did not humiliated her enemy, and instead made peace of everything, was such a beautiful thing to witness. 

(Here's the link to that by the way: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwzOAvGj3uY&list=RDhwzOAvGj3uY&start_radio=1&pp=ygUeYml0dWluZyB3YWxhbmcgbmluZ25pbmcgZW5kaW5noAcB)

From that scene, I realized how we can always choose to live our life in our own terms of beauty and success, that success is not just some fame or glory or power or lots of money, but instead it's choosing a life that you truly wanted to live and living it with no hatred or toxicity in heart. So when I was listening to that song from Sydney Rose on loop, the realization struck me that despite how I know I don't deserve the way people in the past have treated me and how I know that they're a hurtful and miserable people that I will not ever go back to, the memories will always be there and won't leave, especially for the people where your connection with them started as something beautiful and genuine initially until they did something that turned it all sour, that realization is how at the end of the day, I know in my heart that I'll always be the kind of person that will clap and be happy for them when they finally attained everything in life that is good and kind. 

As the lyrics "I have a feeling you got everything you wanted, And you're not wastin' time stuck here like me" played out, I just cried as I know that I'm not the person that wanted them to die or to get hurt or something, and that the forgiveness I've been holding on for so long starts with me and ends with me in the way that I finally recognize in myself that I can live a good life without ever giving them the power to seep back into my memories. Of course I won't ever forget them and everything that they've done, but I know at the end of the day that they're still human, they're just human, that hopefully one day they'll change for the better and be a kinder and more passionate person. And when I had realized that, I knew that thinking that for others is what is making me to think that for myself, that despite the challenges I face, the wars I have to experience and every failure that I must push myself back, is me wanting to live my life in goodness and kindness too. 

In the same way I was crying in the bathroom and imagining my "enemies" or the people that have hurt me having their good life, having a good family, achieving their dreams, and loving themselves, is also realizing in myself that I am now living my life in the beat of my own drum, in the colors of my own mind, and in the nature of my own island. You know I always imagine myself, and everyone around me being in our own island despite living together and such. That I've had my own island get destroyed and that everything was in ruins, but at the end of the day I will always choose to grow back my own garden and maybe write a letter to a bottle to an island near me, AKA the people that are close to my right now. 

And then when bad things happen, when I let them visit my island and they became abusive to me as they were in their own island, I have to leave even if it makes me start from zero again. Because even if I'm gone, I'll always treasure all the memories, even if I was hurt, I will hope that they will learn to live kindly in their island as I stay away from them. I know how people can be cruel, I know how some kind of people can truly be monsters and psychopaths, I know that I must protect myself at the end of the day and that I have to fight for what matters in this world...

But maybe the goal in life is not to not get hurt ever again, but the goal is to live it with all the hurt you have and still life with all the kindness you can give, including the kindness to yourself, that's why you can always stay away from people that hurt you and to make them accountable for their abusive choices.

I'm still not sure if what I realized is true forgiveness, I know I'll get hurt more in the future by the new people I'll be encountering soon, I know I'll cry and hate them as someone who is human. But at least now I know that I can have forgiveness in my heart, and to live it with much kindness as much as possible, without forgetting my own self-worth. That kind of thing is what I call strength. And when I say it is strength, it is the resiliency you have to face more challenges in the future with your heart being as genuine as possible. That is the strength where in an analogy of an island, I'll leave my ruined island and build a new and better island for myself, without being a monster that annihilates the other islands with the people that have hurt me. 

My best revenge is me leaving them alone, it is me being a forever reminder of their regretful past, and it is me being a forever catalyst of their life to change for the better. I am fortunate to still be living and having these kinds of perspective and having a lot of access in my life while knowing other people and children all around the globe are suffering too much from those abusive people. I cannot be monsters like them, I want everyone to live a good life too, that is why when I get hurt, I don't want to see it as me being stupid or me being naive, their hurtful actions and evil intentions are all on them alone, it's their responsibility, not mine, I will forgive when I can and when I am ready, but first-I must always leave. 

(This also inspired me by this tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@gmanews/video/7516905894098078993?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7646554850604156434)

Forgiveness is not just time but it's perspective. I, myself, also know that I can't easily forgive people especially when the wounds are new and that their actions are unforgivable. I also won't ever encourage for people to forgive blindly or immediately in an insincere way. A lot of people have experienced worse than me that I know a lot of people does not ever deserve that forgiveness. The forgiveness I'm talking about is not about me still giving access to those kind of unforgivable people, the forgiveness I'm talking about is knowing in yourself that you can still live a life you want despite the hurtful past you've experienced. You don't actually forgive those kind of people, those monsters that won't ever have conscience, they don't deserve forgiveness and you don't have to forgive them. You don't have to want that kind of closure. That kind of closure is all in yourself, it's all in the way you want to live your life in the present. 

There is strength in forgiveness. There's strength in wanting everyone to change for the better and to be kind. There is strength is wanting to be a better person for yourself and also wanting to be kind. There is always strength in learning to love yourself, again and again and again. 

You have strength. You are you. So you better love it. I love you. And I hope you live a life you deserve.