Rant?? !Tw: suicidal passages, cuss words!

Honestly, its a miracle im still here cause i thought id be gone by 8th grade. Im currently in 10th grade and i honestly thought i would die fast but at the same time im scared to die. 

I could never imagine myself having a good future, i thought id either kms or make it look like an accident, but its a miracle im still here. The amount of times i hopes for me to pass already, attempting by co2 poisonning by lighting a candle overnight in my room, attempting to od but instead taking antibiotics that only made me sick, every failed attempt makes me feel like shit for even trying to kill myself

And it just scares me to not see myself having a good future as a doctor, a lawyer, or anything really. Im worrying about paying taxes and credit scores as a 10th grader who's unemployed and im so tirednof constantly living in fear of the future

I seem so overthinking for a person who goes with the flow of life

But maybe its that flow of life that makes me uncertain, that makes me scared. I say i like things the way they are because i dont want change. I dont want friends because im scared theyre going to leave me in the future, i dont want to go to school because im scared of getting shouted at by the teachers even though i value myself alot as a rebel in school

I have this 'brave' persona in school, but really im just an overthinking sad sack of shit