i feel so deeply rotten. I pray to a nonexisting respond that I know it would never come.

It's stupid. I'm nothing but being absolutely selfish, someone like me could even be begging so pathetically for friends and connection after being so closed off and emotional dry as a Grave...? I sound narcissistic. It disgust me, I just hate myself entirely for it. How could I even want that after being so awfully bad at social stuff. 

I cry daily, sometimes out of nowhere, sometimes when I look at my disgusting face , sometimes when I look at my clothes and feel like I don't want the body i have or the way I sound. And if I don't even think I'm normally pretty probably noone else would give a fuck about me, it's hard and awkward to accept but it's more easy to find friends and people who will at least try to pretend they care for you if you have a decent style, body , face and voice. And guess who was the stupid hideous girl that doesn't even have something slightly close to that? 

Every day , every night, every noon, I just can't stop hating myself over nothing. Blaming me slowly for things that are extremely stupid at first and then ending on a nonstop spiral with more deep stuff. I start thinking that maybe all the pain and deep agony that I constantly feel since years ago it's my fault and that I somehow deserve it.

If I start being honest about how I feel I'm scared that anyone would call me an attention seeker or overwhelm them. I don't wanna be an asshole and just put every trauma and sadness I ever felt into someone, I don't wanna pretend I don't need help either. It's confusing the hell out of me. How could I need attention but hate thinking about receiving it only for pity..or for being too dramatic. 

Maybe all those times my mother told me to "knock it off" or "it will go eventually away" might had a little more weight than I wanted to admit. She... ""Tried"" to get me some mental help. But my therapist told me the same, that I wasn't trying at all... That it was my fault for looking for things that were too much for me as I just looked at them and holded back my tears. "You are not trying enough", "are you always depressed when I ask you to do something?" "You are only using it for pity and not do anything" , "stop being so spoiled"

How the fuck am I supposed to take that? How...how is that gonna help me??!! Coming from a fucking therapist!!!? Maybe coming from absolutely anyone else won't even matter to me at all and I would just ignore it but, hearing your mother telling you that it' might be your fault feeling like you are slowly rotting from the inside out and that your mind is slowly collapsing inside you to the point you can't even tell what's real or not just hurts. Hurts a fucking huge much. 

It makes me so enrage but, I can't show that. If I ever """""insult her back""""" it's a deep and absolutely non tolerable insult and bratty spoiled behaviour that she needs to correct . If I ever respond with how I trully feel, she will say "ugh,.again with the 'feeling'? Just go outside or something. Get a job" . Am I supposed to just take all years of that? If just, treating that my life was slowly losing its meaning at just 18 as just a simple lazyness or that I wasn't even trying hard enough to get some stability again? . If I ever raised my voice in tears and barely holding my voice cracks she would go so defensive and tell twice as hard and rough at me, Threatening to sell my things and take away my room just for not being trying enough. 

If I'm being honest, she will get either disgusted or mad at me.

If I responded with my real voice and sick of my disgusting "girl social voice" she will consider it an insult.

If I responded back I was a bratty piece of shit.

If I felt deeply rotting whitouth wanting to do anything because I didn't had the strength for it, what was I? 

"A usuless daughter"

I'm scared. I'm deeply scared. Even if I tried my best, with I forgot how many pills I have ever taken , mental treatment. Hospital admission, my phone and my room to be taken away for a whole year, ruining myself to the point I can't even look at my face....even if I did everything I could. I still feel like if Im ever close to someone I will ruin it, I will ruin it badly to the point of no return. 

If for some reason they can stand my hideous appearance and my horrible and boring poor personality, they will probably forget I exist the second I would be genuinely honest and tell my problems. I don't want someone to feel forced to be there for me because I could kill myself the second I start feeling I lost the last piece of motivation i had to live, i dont wanna overwhelm anyone with my problems and only come to them when I feel like the world doesn't even need me to keep existimg. 

What if they come to be like my mother? What if I start finally feeling comfortable and then they start feeling uncomfortable because I have way too many wrongs things inside my head?