Report Blog Entry
last night i was thinking about how bad i've looked and posed for my class photoshoot. i thought about how i could've posed better and just went to pinterest and searched "poses for photoshoot". results page was full of super-feminine poses, outfits, makeup and aesthetics in general. scrolling through them i caught myself thinking that i feel weird..
i am afab and always have called myself a girl. from this may i started thinking if i'm non-binary, this july i started stating that i'm demigirl online on my secret pages. this one is secret from my irl's too. it was my first time having this gut-wrenching feeling. i mean, yeah, they are feminine, they are women, i am kinda too.. and this should not be a problem for me. right?
after that i can't stop thinking about it anymore. i think this is what they call the gender dysphoria, i just feel like i'm not in the right place, or, maybe even i am not the right human for this place.
i can't say that i'm a girl without doubting and overthinking it in my head now. i should probably discuss this with my closest friend who's queer too. though she never doubted her gender.. but at the same time i feel like this is something i should fight with alone. until i make my mind.
also i don't think i would like to say this to any other irl friend of mine. no they're not homo- or transphobic, at least i think so... they're not queer. some might've demonstrated some kind of transphobic tendencies. i fear they won't get it and say something (not necessary discriminating) i wouldn't like to hear right now.
anyway.. i guess, there is still time.
Comments
Displaying 2 of 2 comments ( View all | Add Comment )
كارمن|𝒞armen
Listen, being a woman isn't about femininity. Not being feminine doesn't make you any less of a woman. Idk what else you're going through, but if that's the point: not every woman is interested in fashion, makeup, or glamour. And that's okay. Remember, femininity doesn't equal girlieness or womanhood. And femininity isn't necessarily linked to vanity or any of the stuff I mentioned. Boys can be feminine, girls can be masculine. It isn't peculiar or queer. It's human, and have existed within us.
wowzie thanks for replying.. i know that femininity doesn't mean womanhood/being a woman, it's just that i always associated my image with femininity and could always call myself a girl. maybe it's just a teenage thing, or just growing up. idk what to name from what i'm going through but i don't like my body. maybe it's related to this thing, maybe not, idk.. but thanks for replying again, i will chew on it more. btw your writing is so good
thanks again! ♡( ◡‿◡ )
by aimee ayka waffles; ; Report
u don't have to thank me <3 Just don't judge urself harshly. it's okay to feel insecure and lost, but changing ur identity under misguidance due to these issues isn't a solution.
by كارمن|𝒞armen; ; Report
aimee ayka waffles
didn't want to add this to the post but how am i gonna enter relationships now? in this hetero-binary-normative world? in this homo-trans-phobic country? am i even allowed to call myself a trans, a non-binary, a demigirl? what do i do? i want to love like i always did without worrying about them questioning me as whole. i didn;t even get to have a relationship yet how do i build my FIRST ever relationship with most possibly a cisgender and most possibly with a cisgender boy??... who might be homophobic like most are here... i;m scared.