i feel like im in a ditch

this is gonna have a bit of triggering topics but idfk if people are even gonna see this anyway

but yeah, everything's seeming to get worse and worse over the weeks and i feel like i should be more worried about myself than i am now.
nobody knows i've been having dark thoughts appearing more and more in my head, they're not as bad as the one's that got me thrown into the mental hospital last year, but yk, wishing you don't wake up in the morning ain't that great either. and when i say nobody, i mean nobody. none of my friends, none of my family, none of my closest friends, not even my own boyfriend.

god and speaking of my boyfriend, our anniversary is coming up in august, i don't even know what to do to make it feel special. i feel like i'm letting both him and myself down because i'm just that clueless.

i'm really just not doing anything anymore, i'm not thinking anymore, i'm sure as hell not eating (which good god do i beat myself up for), it's just a mindless fucking cycle i can't seem to break out of. i wake up, work on school or do shit around the house, nap, sit outside, nap, maybe eat something, scroll on my phone, nap again, look through texts sent from my friends and my boyfriend throughout the day in the group chat, and go rot in my bed till the morning comes. 

same shit every day. and that's all my life has come to nowadays.

ive got stuff working out for me, i've got a boyfriend, i've got some friends, life's fine. but i just don't understand why i feel like this. i have no reason to. maybe i never will understand it, but god is it exhausting.