i don’t know what to call this

i genuinely wish i could tell the difference between romantic love and platonic love, because i feel as if my brain keeps getting in the way of that answer. — there’s someone i care about so much, and i can’t stop wondering if it’s because i love her as a friend or because i love her as a partner. everytime that i start thinking that maybe i do like her romantically, i panic. i immediately start trying to cancel those feelings out, convince myself they’re not real, tell myself i’m just confused. and i think ive done that so many times since i first developed feelings for her, that i don’t know what my genuine feelings for her are anymore. it’s frustrating, because the more i try to analyse it, the less i understand myself. i keep asking, “is this just admiration? is this just friendship? or is this something more?” and i never let myself sit with the possibility that maybe the answer is obvious because im too afraid of what it could mean. but what really gets me is that the way i feel about her isn’t the same way ive felt about other people ive run into this problem with. it feels.. deeper, and more constant. i don’t just enjoy talking with her, i find myself thinking about her, wondering how she’s doing, wanting her to be happy even if i’m not part of that happiness. it’s different, and i don’t know why i keep trying to convince myself it isn’t. — maybe im scared because if i admit i like her (which i did.), then suddenly everything changes (which she said she doesn’t mind, but im scared.). but denying my feelings doesn’t make them disappear. if anything, it just makes me doubt myself even more. — i’m almost positive i really do like her. maybe all this overthinking is just fear wearing the disguise of logic. i don’t know what the future looks like. but right now, all i know is that whatever i feel for her is real, and it’s unlike anything ive ever felt before.