🖤 Pet Grief 🖤

It's been 2.5 weeks since my sweet kitty, Nimbus, passed.

It feels like months have passed, I'm still mentally and emotionally drained.

Everyday I miss him, and every day I think about bringing a new kitty home. My apartment is so quet and empty now, and I feel lonelier. 

But it's probably too soon- I havnt even tidied up his old litter box cause it makes me sad. Instead I'm redecorating the kitchen and bathroom, and torturing myself looking at the local shelters websites of adoptable kitties. 

As much as I want a kitty at home, I want to be SURE that my husband and i are emotionally ready enough. I want to be sure we have grieved enough. I don't want to be subconsciously comparing or wishing for my sweet Nimbus- I want to be fair to and ready for a new kitty. 

Plus... Nimbus was perfect. My soul cat. He was everything I always wanted in a cat, and he loved us a lot. There won't ever be another kitty like him. Im especially worried about bringing home a new kitty--- what if we don't bond? What if were not even compatible?? I'm really worried about that....

I got a call a few hours ago that Nimbus's ashes are ready for pickup. I've never had an urn or ashes before- human or animal. It will be strange for me, but I wanted him to be with us. I didn't want the vet to have his body, or to bury him and leave him far away. He belongs with us. 

When I was little, pets died and I thought they went to heaven, or maybe stayed with us as a spirit. But I feel nothing of the sort now. Just empty. I wish I could still sense him in some way...

I'm making a small memorial for him on my shelf, his ashes will go there, along with a tuft of fur, paw print, and a tiny clay figurine of him. Ive also been wearing a tiny clay version of him as a necklace- someone on etsy made it for me. 

When I see older photos of him, the contrast in his condition is so stark. He became so thin, weak, and tired at the end. He used to be rounder and so very playful. It's incredibly bittersweet to watch old videos of him... so full of life...it makes me so very happy and so very sad at the same time