(rant)

its feels like nothing, nothing at all i wish i could feel something anything that's why i drown myself in anything dangerous just to feel. my mind is a miserable place and I'm the one to live with it. god is that all i deserve is that all i get, i don't remember doing something so wrong to be punished, i just don't understand. god make me feel something anything and stop the rotting feeling inside me god stop giving me reasons to end it all i really want to but I'm only promised a greater hell its just not fair at all why do you have to kill me this way

today was a fine day i ate with no guilt i got back on sh but I'm fine i can still be clean it so hard to get clean when you feel like thats the only thing you can cling too but i dream of something better i wounder if older me would look behind on all of this and just sigh in relief because its all over