Healing Isn't Supposed to Feel Good

    Not until the end, anyway. It's reminiscent of an actual physical wound. It's very painful at first, and that pain progresses into an ache, that then progresses into an itch, then into an unfortified scar, until it finally becomes a fully developed scar. It's uncomfortable is the point that I'm trying to make. There are things that you, or others may do to reopen that wound, and then the process will start over again. The ache, the itch, the scarring. The process of healing is very delicate and shouldn't be seen as something that needs to be rushed. Imagine rushing stitches on a patient and then permanently botching them. Not good. Again, like physical wounds, healing takes proper care AND time. Emphasis on time. I myself am someone who has been through the process of healing, and it took years and years but it still happened. It's not just getting up one day and deciding that you're done with whatever you're going through (it can be but in most cases it is not). It's more like getting up for multiple days on end believing that you are not contributing to your own healing. I think that knowing that you should heal is the first step to actually healing though. Being aware of your situation can lead to some kind of action being taken.

A plethora of people find comfort in their own situations though, even if these situations are terribly affecting their well-being. Once one gets used to it, it becomes all that one knows. Forgetting about what it was like to feel genuinely good or alive is very easy when you haven't felt that way in a while. Now it's normal to feel this way and feeling any other way is unnerving. BUTTTT this is why healing is so uncomfortable!! It looks very different for each person, but the one thing in common is that you will begin to feel ways that you are not used to feeling, whether that be melancholic, jubilant, irate, or just content. I remember when I was healing, I took to writing! I wrote about how sorrow felt like being at the bottom of a slick well with a mother figure present. This "mother figure" provided comfort and reassurance, but that didn't take away from the fact that I was still stuck at the bottom of a well that would be hell to climb out of. It was comfort, but it wasn't right. I wrote about staring up and being able to see the opening of the well, the sky, and the stars, and as I progressed in my healing, the opening of the well got closer and closer, and the walls of the well became more and more jagged. These jagged edges provided me with the ability to actually start to climb and pull myself out of the well. This was no walk in the park though. Remember the "mother figure"? In my entries I often mentioned being dragged back down by her and being cradled in her arms once again. This "mother figure" represented the comfort that I found in my own misery, and the way I would sometimes easily be dragged back down by it. I would fight this figure and try to cling to the walls of the well, and sometimes I was able to keep myself out of her grasp. Other times I was not so lucky. The well is the process of healing, as well as my own misery. The closer I was to feeling better, the shorter the well became, and the easier it became to climb out of it. The scenery (stars, sky, birds. very serene.) I was able to see looking up at the well's entrance was what I was working towards; a better me. 

As I've pointed out, this was a very difficult process and at times I felt as if I wasn't making any progress at all. It was incredibly uncomfortable. I believe I touched on this in my entries as well! Having to pull myself up closer to the well's opening only using my hands and whatever edges I could grab was difficult at times, and easy at times. Hard times meant rain in the well, so the walls would become increasingly damp and impossible to climb. Fingernails would bleed as I attempted to pull myself up with all of the strength I had. Not so hard times meant that the well was dry, and easier to grip. Sometimes the well even provided me with easier climbing edges. The well was ever-changing, as were my emotions. 

I probably sound insane but this is all true, and in writing I found solace during these hard times. I was very fond of analogies and would write like my life depended on it. I still do write to this day too, and believe that it has become part of who I am. I did want to share part of my own story here as well because I know a lot of people really struggle with healing as a whole, and I want to make it known that I do understand how difficult it can be, but I also wanted to point out the severe discomfort it caused me. I do hope that everyone working towards healing understands that it isn't always good. It doesn't always progress. It can feel terrible and foreign. But that is just what healing is. 

Good luck to all of you who are on this very difficult journey! Maybe some of my words here helped you better understand healing as a whole. <3