4 Month Anniversary

Wow, four months already! I barely use spacehey sadly, it feels so empty too. That's on me mainly but somehow it always feels like I have no time for others. Force of habit probably. I havent even decorated my profile like how I wanted yet... I still have the group made in my google tab for resources for that. Maybe someday. In some aspects I'm doing pretty good, in others im doing pretty horrible and getting worse. If a stranger looked at me theyd say I'm doing bad. Then I'll see online what others go through and wow, mine seems quite mild in comparison. As if it already didnt seem that way. Comparison is stupid I know, especially for things like that but it feels instinctual for some reason. Insecurity is a horrible thing. It's not bad per se, to be insecure, but its how you let it effect you that really makes it or breaks it. It comes from fear, a fear of being lesser, because to be lesser socially feels like you'll lose your basic needs. At least at its simplest thats how I've interpreted it. It's a spectrum too so no one size fits all but its just the gist of it. Introverted or anti social as one might be, everyone depends on one another. Control, control, control. At it's core that is what every fear is about. Some are not as obvious as others but it's true. Ego, safety, reputation, control over these three things are some of the main driving factors for what causes a lot of people to do horrible things. It's why I like cats. They're just cats. They are evil, but not at all. I suppose you can say that about all animals but I just like cats. Cats have fears, but, they're not insecure. Sure if you have two cats and you pet one the other will get jealous and come over too, but it won't do something horrible. The cat just sees it as, thats the way it is. On to my own needs and desires. A cat does things and fears the things it does, purely to survive. Scared of cucumbers, it looked like a snake and snakes are venemous which can kill me, yikes! Scared of loud noises, ouch my sensitive hearing, whatever is this loud must be dangerous I should run and hide. They just want to survive. They go meow! I've started sobbing when I look at my own cat Jerry for too long. He's so beautiful and handsome and sweet. Even in my journal I write about him. Cats don't love unconditionally. Sure, they'll be comfortable if youre around for a while, but if someone else feeds them and gives them water and plays with them, theyll run and purr and meow to them first. That's ok though, because the cat does it to survive. For food and water and protection from other animals also trying to survive. Turn it to people instead, and people get mad, or shame, or disgust. Of course not every situation, but a lot. If I make it to have my own house, I'll fill it with many cats, we'll all be friends. I'll help them survive. I think i'll get a few small dogs too. I like cats more though. Dear god, I am getting so close and nobody knows it. Nobody cares, I'm alone now. Call it karma I guess. Many of you would give me no sympathy knowing what I've done, and deservedly so. I'm really weak, and have such low pain tolerance. I believe in fate, destiny, whatever you wanna call it. "It just wasn't meant to be" and truly meaning that, to be able to move on to better things with no remorse is a sign of having achieved Mighty Freedom. Past that, I have no desires. Despite the topic, I actually have no goals, plans, or hopes. No brother or cousins that I love, no passion in a form of self expression, no wanting to expand my own current hobbies or do them forever, I've just been taking on others dreams. Those dreams are a joint effort though, what of my very own personal dreams. I have none. I believe in fate and destiny/whatever and yet I dont feel it in my soul, spirit, or brain that this one thing is why I will perservere. I'm a leech. I have no one to protect. Well, I have my Jerry baby cat, which is why I sob looking at him. He really has helped the most. I feel like my job here is done. But fuck it I don't know that, so recently I decided I'm going to leave that up to fate too. Fate will tell me, and no matter which one it is I swore to fully commit to either. Well, it's not like I can half commit to one option if I wanted but the promise is mainly for the other. Four dollars, four dollars, four dollars. Yknow, on a lighter note, odd numbers are my favorite. 7 in particular. I don't really like evens. 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9 are awesome. If I had to favorite to least rank em I'd go 7, 3, 5, 9, 1. The only even numbers I like are those divisible by 3. Like 6 in particular. I like 12 too. 18 also and 15 but 15 is odd anyway. I've been writing so much lately.