My biggest heartbreak - mom

I love my mom. She's the absolute best mom in the world; she's in no way perfect, but her flaws just add an extra touch that makes her seem more humane and real, like someone I can discuss my own flaws and insecurities with. That's exactly why I spend all my tears grieving the better life she could've had if I had not been born, if she hadn't married my dad, if she hadn't prioritized my potential feelings and the instability their split could've cost me. 

Being the absolute best mom came at the cost of her happiness and self agency. Every decision she makes always includes her kids feelings, reaction and the effects that decision could create. Thee thought of it makes my stomach turn at nights. 

I hate how selfless she is, so to balance it out I allow myself to be selfish with my life choices. She gave her life away for her kids, so I'll never have kids to give my life away to. She gave her husband endless chances, so I'll never give a man a chance. I'll undo everything she has done in an effort to redeem her.

My grandma jokes that she'll get me married once I'm done with school, like she did with mom. However, I'll not get married; I refuse, at least not until I'm in my thirties and well established.

One wish I have is for the next generation of moms is that they retain their happiness and agency, feeling as though leaving is an option once the relationship no longer satisfies them.