1/21/2020

Amount of times I've stopped writing because I started crying: 5

1/21/2020

James has been very busy lately. I've barely seen him since his birthday. Over the past couple days, I've been reaching out to him, but he hasn't been available to hang out. I need to talk to him. He's the only one I can talk to about this.

I've thought about it a lot. I can't talk to Jeremy about what happened because if he realized that I hadn't wanted it, it could seriously hurt his feelings. Like he said, it was an ego boost for him and he needed it. I don't want to be one of the things adding to his depression. Plus there's the added risk that he could stop being my friend if I told him I had been that stupid.

So Jeremy was off the table. I couldn't tell Nathan either. After Peter, I know that he would, at the very least, not want me to be friends with him anymore. Honestly, I'm a little worried Nathan might try to fight him, or leave me, or god, maybe even both. I definitely can't tell Nathan.

I could reach out to Lexi, but I don't know.... She loves that boy, and I feel like she could very easily stop wanting to be around me if she thought I was slandering her boi.

I concluded that James was the only one.

The only problem was that he was super busy. He was studying a lot, which is good, but a little frustrating. Since his birthday, he had started dating this girl, Julienne. From what I've heard, she sounds great. I haven't met her, but it's only been a couple weeks. And still, with school, and work, and a new relationship, he told me if I needed him, he would be there.

Finally, today, he told me he was free for about a half hour. I took it.

He picked me up and we started driving. I think he could tell something was wrong. I was trying to behave normally, but I wasn't happy, and I had a feeling that if I started talking about why, I might cry. I felt sick. With my knees pulled up, I stared out the window, not saying a word.

Suddenly, "So, where do you wanna go?" James asked me, lightheartedly.

"Oh, um... I don't know. Anywhere..." I responded lazily. I was already feeling better just being in his company.

"Ok, How 'bout the apartmen-"

"No."

Silence.

"Ok."

"Sorry," I finally continued, "Anywhere but there."

"Ok, is there anywhere else you want to go? Maybe to get food?" He was resiliently comforting. He didn't let my mood affect him at all. Or, if it did affect him, he didn't let me see it. He was definitely the person I needed on this day.

I decided food wasn't a bad idea, so we went through a drive-thru, but then we were back where we were before, with nothing to do. I looked around, and noted where in town we were and what was close. Not much. We were really close to his apartment. Then, as we approached a stop light, an idea came to me.

"Could we drive by your house? Like, your family's house? I know it's down this street somewhere, but I've never actually seen it. Maybe we could drive by it?" was my request.

"Sure!" James responded with a smile.

Soon we were winding down the old creek-lined road.

After a couple minutes, we pulled onto a narrow driveway. It was more like a tiny road, really. Soon, we were crossing a really old looking wooden bridge. The trees parted, and I could see his house. We parked and he started unbuckling.

"Wha-" I stammered.

He looked at me with a questioning glance.

"I thought we were just going to drive by it."

"It's cool, I'll show you around!"

So we both stepped out of the car. His family's house was perfect. It was everything I love about where I grew up. It was so real in contrast to the manufactured homes that have popped up like weeds. It was big, but homey in a beautiful, personally designed kind of way that the colony of mansions, hidden in our northern hills, could never be.

I was nervous to enter. I know his mom, but I've only heard stories of his sister. I didn't know much about the rest of his family. I wasn't emotionally in a place to be meeting anyone.

"I think my sister is here somewhere, but she'll probably stay in her room."

"Oh, okay." I was surprised that he brought it up on his own, but we were often on the same wavelength, so I didn't worry about it too much. "Should I leave my french fries in the car?"

"No, you can bring them in with you. It's cool."

So I grabbed my fries and we were on our way. We entered through what I would call the mud room. There were raincoats and boots and rakes, and other various tools. In the corner of the room, though, I noticed a fish tank. That wasn't quite right, though. There was no water in it, but there was a lamp beaming into it. I approached and quickly realized what I was seeing.

"A turtle! Oh my gosh its so cute!!! Aw look at the little buddy!" I was gushing. He told me something about the turtle, but I wasn't listening. All I wanted to do was have a staring contest with it. As I was attempting to catch it's gaze, though, something else caught mine.

On the table, by the bottom of the tank, was a photograph. Some people in apparent skiing gear. I picked it up to see if it was James and his family. James was in it, but he was with his study buddy girlfriend, Julienne, and a couple other people.

"She's so pretty!" I meant it. They were a very pretty couple. I want to meet her so bad. I love making new friends, and if he likes her, she's probably great. Even if she isn't perfect, there's gotta be redeeming factors to her, there always are. I really really want to meet her. (Plus, Jeremy, Rose, and Lexi have all met her and I feel a little bit left out.)

He looked over my shoulder at the photo, and told me about the day. They had gone skiing recently. That was him and Julienne, and two of her friends. As I was already out of it, I can't remember if I said this out loud or just thought it, but the sentiment, "You're going on fun trips with her friends but won't even introduce her to me?" was felt deeply in my bones.

I put down the photo and made my way into the house proper.

All of a sudden golden hair and wiggling excitement took up all of my attention. He has a golden retriever. This dog was so cute. It climbed a giant cat tower and laid down on the top. It was too cute. It licked my face, which was a little gross, but mostly adorable.

Apparently, James also had a cat around there somewhere, but we couldn't find it. He guessed that it was in the room with his sister.

As he showed me around, I was astounded. There was a really cool loft space above the living room, and then, through the kitchen, there was a giant bunny! and in the backyard, chickens and geese! Every direction I turned, there was another thing bringing me a bit of joy. He offered me some freshly laid and washed eggs, and then we headed towards the front door.

"You have so many pets," I noted in astonishment, "and they're all so cute!"

"Do you wanna meet my donkey?" He asked.

I simply stared at him, then after a few seconds, "You're kidding, right?"

"No," he responded, casually.

"You actually have a donkey???" I did not want to believe him. If he was getting my hopes up just to tell me he was kidding, I would be too upset. I want to meet a donkey.

"Yes, I actually have a donkey, in the backyard."

He seemed to be enjoying himself. I'm sure my eyes were taking up half my face, which usually amuses people. I couldn't help it, though, I've never seen a donkey in person before.

We made our way outside and around the side of his house. In the distance, I could see some kind of animal. He pointed out the goats roaming around his neighbors yard, and I almost started crying. I love goats. Then, as we got closer, I could actually see the donkey. Before I knew it, I was introducing myself, and James was letting me feed it a french fry.

I went on and on about how it was curlier than I'd expected, and how I had only ever seen Donkey from Shrek (an exaggeration, but not by much) and how cute it was. I might have teared up a little. Eventually though, we needed to get moving. We walked back to the car, but James said he had something to do inside really quick.

While he was inside, I wandered over to the wooden bridge we'd crossed when we arrived. It was beautiful.

There was no rail on the sides of the bridge, so I was a little anxious, but it was evened out by the serenity that the nature around me had brought me.

James approached and stood in silence with me for a bit. Standing there, in that moment with him, felt perfect. That was it. Content. At peace. Comfortable. Calm. Then I picked up a twig.

"Find one that's basically the same size. Let's play Pooh Sticks," I said with a smile.

He found a twig, and our game began. We counted down, threw our sticks, turned, and headed to the other side. Only one twig came out the other side. We couldn't tell whose it was, but we decided it was James's. We congratulated each other on a game well played, and walked back to his car.

On the ride back, I told him, "I really needed today. Thank you." and he responded with, "When you're ready to talk about whatever was wrong, let me know. I'll be ready to listen."

I didn't end up telling him what happened.

Later, over snapchat, he told me that whenever I start hyper-focusing on the bad thing at work, just remember the donkey. That will bring a smile to my face, and hopefully I'll feel better.

I think I might finally be ready to call someone my best friend again. I'm scared, but, that's what he is, right?