im so tired of living

Fathers, most of us have them. I really don't know what else to say. They either love us, or hate us. I really can't tell if mine really loves me, I could really give less of a fuck. He's actually my step dad, when I was around 4, my ma had started being with someone else, being my step dad, and we later moved to a different town a little while after my ma and real dad has an altercation. My dad when I was younger,  was a drunkie, from then on to now, he still drinks like crazy. He's not an abusive father. But he never stops scolding at everything me and my brothers do. He thinks he controls everything over us. Most of the scolding gets rained all over my ma. He sometimes blaims my ma for being a bad mother for raising the way she raises us. He tells me sometimes, that the way he treats us, the stuff he wants us to learn, thinks will help us be tough men in the future. I believe it'll work for my brothers, but for me, as the oldest brother, brings me down. And I disappoint myself, as an older brother, I should be a good representation, but I isolate myself from everyone else, I'm ainti social, I stay in my room all day. I have mental health issues. My parents don't know, I don't tell them because they'll probably just scold me and tell me that I don't do anything in this house to be having issues. But a response like that and more are the reason why I'm always so mentally hurt. My parents, not just my dad, always push me into doing so much, I understand, at my age, 17, is old enough to be doing stuff to get prepared for the future, it is my fault I haven't prepared yet, for being so behind, but now, I just need time now, this is where I actually need time, but now I'm just being pushed to do so much, that it makes me go mentally exhausted. This will be my last summer break, and I blame myself for never doing anything. In the end, I don't hate anyone but hate myself for being such a mistake of a son, a friend, a brother, and a person in general, for being such a fuck up for never engaging in anything. It's all my fault and I wish I was never born, or that someone else's soul would were to have taken this vessel I call my body, and maybe do something better for this world or family, better than I ever could have. In the end, my father isn't the one to blame, it's me. And he would being me down with every fucking scold he through at me, it never really toughened me up, it only increased my need to just end it all, because I'm too much of a pussy to just think of it in a different perspective. 

It's all me. It's all my fault for even being born.