Friends (super long don't read)

Good god I'll be so embarrassed if this is read by someone even though a part of me wishes to be seen but I'm making myself cringe so badly even though I'm not obligated to write this but I will because I want to but I also don't want to but I want to. 

I've grown up being so pathetically lonely and it hurts too much. I've always felt alienated and excluded yet I just can't seem to simply get used to it. It just hurts worse. 

I have no social life. I love big gatherings, public places and a lot many friends but only as a concept because of how anxious i get in reality. I'm unable to interact with anyone I swear I can barely even speak or look at someone in the eyes properly.

It's so painful and I can barely handle it. I've been trying to work on myself and be a good person for as long as I remember and I truly don't understand what is wrong with me but I'm aware that something is. All I've done for most of my life is sit and watch from a distance.

I've had a few friends up until this point in my life. My first one was a hallucination that I didn't realise was not real for a very very long time. Almost an year. But the first real real friend I made was in seventh grade by picking up on things that other people did to seem more normal. She was totally a social butterfly and I loved her with my heart and soul. She became my family immediately. I gave her my best and did absolutely anything she told me to do. At some point she was my everything. I learnt a lot of things from her to build whatever social life I do have now.

But then, I couldn't handle the guilt I felt for taking her time that she could've used to talk to people who were a better option to make friends with. I apologised to her almost daily for being her friend but she told me not to do it because it wasn't right. 

I didn't do it even once again. Not to her, not to anyone after her. But I still felt apologetic on the inside, so guilty that I ran away and pushed so much distance between us. For the time that I was away, she really ended up making friends with better people. My happiness for her was greater than the sadness I felt even though I had made it happen myself. 

I felt like I'd die now and my world had fallen apart when I was alone again. I didn't have anyone for years afterwards because I was scared that all of this would happen again with another person and I didn't know if I would be able to handle the hurt again.

But then I got desperate and angry and sort of shape-shifted into someone who seemed social and all of a sudden I was surrounded by plenty of people. And I was unable to tell who was sincere who was not. It got too much I couldn't handle anyone I fluctuated and felt guilty for being fake, dropped everyone, lost contact and ran away. 

I somehow ended up then making another friend. Just one singular person as I'd realised I couldn't handle more than that. She too became the life of me. I take my friends extremely seriously. I don't know how to be casual about it. Friends to me are family. Dearest family. Even if it's just one person I could give my entire world to. 

I think I ended up overwhelming her and she already had her person so she slowly walked away. I tried to hold on for very very long I'd beg her and everything but I realised that I was asking for too much. She said I was destroying her peace so I realised that I really was overwhelming and I stopped. I felt so guilty really.

This is getting too long I'm not continuing this humiliation ritual bye