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Literally love just using this site to vent so here I am venting about my problems.
I am afab and like. I'm happy being a girl, mostly. I like fashion and I like experimenting with styles and my interests are super stereotypically feminine and I don't like the things that men stereotypically like. I'm almost the epitome of girl. I like games but only 'girly' games like the Sims. I like sewing, coming up stories, I sing soprano and play the flute. I loooove pink, high heels, shopping, feminine harajuku fashion, and girly music. I literally hate cars and sports and like medieval swords or whatever men are into.
But I hate being *female*. Not in the way that I don't like being called female, I mean, I don't like it either when stupid, brainless men think it's okay to call women 'females', but more like. I hate having a girl body. Socially? I'm okay with it. Happy, even. Would I be happier if I was born male and could be a man socially yet keep all my girly interests? Yes, I probably would, honestly. Especially if I find a cute fashion subculture that looks good on men. But it's the sex that like. really gets to me. I hate it. Viscerally. It causes me so much discomfort. Some days its worse than others but it hinders me in romantic relationships, makes me severely anxious at the thought of doctors visits especially with the gynecologist, and I have debilitating tokophobia. I feel like what I imagine men felt like when the movie Alien first hit theatres. It's just that given I value romance so much and it's a very big need that I have to feel fulfilled in my life this is like. disabling in some ways. Not currently as I am not in any romantic relationships and find the boys in my area grody, stupid, and ambitionless, but.... it sneaks up on ya.
In my preteen years I did socially transition and since I moved schools a lot I got away with gaslighting everyone around me into believing I was cisgender boy. It was amazing. Then puberty hit and I moved schools again and got super into fashion and now it's just like, it would simply cause me more distress to socially transition and be met with people misgendering me or just flat out knowing everyone around me knows I'm a fake poser and not a cis guy which is too much of a hassle for something that won't even fix the core problem - which is not liking inhabiting this body, regardless how nice I think it is as a girls body, it just isn't mine - it just makes me think about it more often.
If any of y'all have tips as to how I could possibly soothe this bullshit that'd be awesome but otherwise I'm relieved just venting.
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➤𖦹Aspin
Trans man here :) I'm not gonna say you're trans or anything like that from one post. It's something you really have to figure out yourself. I'll share my own experience here cuz maybe it'll help!
I was late into high school already when I started puberty. I used to be really brash, rude and boyish. But when puberty came, I felt like I had to grow up. I went hyperfeminine. Think all pink and tennis skirts. I grew my hair out and for a while it was fine, but there was always this pit in my stomach whenever I performed femininity. When the pandemic hit, I made some online friends and realized that being nonbinary was an option. After months of mulling it over, I chopped my hair off. And it was this fuckass, uneven bowl cut and it looked STUPID as hell.
BUT!!! For the first time in my life, I felt like me. I was so happy about it. It was the first step in a long journey of me just trying WHATEVER. I dressed up in all sorts of styles except I sucked at knowing how to choose clothes to masculinize my proportions. I tried random names for myself. Asked people to call me different pronouns (even tried mew/mewself at some point...) Tried being nonbinary, being genderfluid, being a demiboy, etc. Cut my hair some more. And looked even stupider a couple of times.
And slowly but surely, my real personality came out too. When you've explored your identity that much, you start building a better relationship with yourself. You start strengthening your resolve. You start knowing what you really want and you're able to set better boundaries. I can't imagine falling into the perfect romance with my amazing girlfriend if I hadn't gone through all that. I wouldn't have been able to do it if I didn't look stupid all those times. (And I'm not done looking stupid cuz my journey isn't over... Saving up to leave this transphobic household and starting testosterone!!!)
My point is, figuring yourself out is a messy journey. You're probably going to look stupid in the process. But sometimes feeling a bit dumb is the cost of discovering who you truly are. I'd say it's a pretty good tradeoff :)
It's hard! as id mentioned i did have a rather lengthy phase of doing the same and i think around this time last year was the last time I cut my hair again. I dunno I really do like feminine fashion and although I theoretically know men are allowed to wear whatever it just wouldn't like. make sense for me. I don't live in that supportive of an environment really and my dad wasn't very happy about it. He's a very logical man who does lots of research on things and I can really see where he comes from when he says transphobic things to the point I get into my own little pits of confusion and don't believe what I feel is all that real. I still sound a lot like a girl and have very girly proportions and know I wouldn't be seen as a guy really ever unless I went through very difficult to reverse procedures for something that's a guess. I know even at the peak of my phase I had a bit where I really wanted to be a girl again, even have some poorly edited where I drew longer hair on myself. It takes a long time to grow out hair and it's uagghghghghghghgh. It feels so much easier to just not put in so much effort trying to make myself seem manly when I can try and find a version of being a girl I like.
by Quzu; ; Report
I totally get that. I kinda just condensed my experiences but there were a ton of hard moments (and until now, being trans presents so many struggles that just make me wanna give up). It took me 5 years to even come to terms with calling myself a trans man. And I live in a third world country where transphobia is rampant so I know how it feels.
Personally, I have a really girly voice and proportions too. I'm aware that most people will never see me as a man as long as I'm not on T. But I've surrounded myself with friends who treat me like a man regardless (even if they're all cishet girls lol). I know it's much harder than it sounds, but surrounding yourself with people who make you feel safe enough to experiment is incredibly helpful. (Even with fun stuff like trying out new hobbies, not even just the gender stuff).
And it's easy to believe the things your dad says. But being trapped in an echo chamber where that's all you hear about your gender identity is incredibly harmful. Whenever I'm faced with someone saying transphobic things to me and I start questioning whether what I'm doing is right or wrong, I ask myself "Would I let them say that about other transgender people?" And if the answer is No then I shut it out. Again, much harder than it sounds but it gets easier over time.
This stuff really IS hard. It's been a few years since I started identifying as trans, and it's gotten harder recently with the spike in transphobia and having little to no access to testosterone in my country. BUT you've got your entire life to figure this out. And you don't have to force yourself into any labels. If some days you feel like a guy and some days you feel like girl... who says you can't do that? You don't have to be trans or genderfluid or whatever to do any of that stuff. You really just have to take the time to listen to what You want. Not what others want from you. And you just have to balance if you're willing to put in all the effort to do that.
by ➤𖦹Aspin; ; Report
Eden
“I’m cis but I’d like it if I was born a boy”
I give it a month.