heartbroken over a talking stage :')

Hey guys! <3

I hope you're all doing well. I don't normally get emotional with strangers but I figured, hey, I don't know any of you, so what's the harm really. Also, really silly for this to be my first ever blog post. You might think of me as a simp or a bird, and quite frankly I may as well be. I'm not here to promote what I'm doing, nor am I here for sympathy, I simply wanted a vessel to express my feelings.

As you may have inferred from the title of this blog post, your girl is currently heartbroken. I just broke up with my soon-to-be (well, not anymore) bf :(. Before you judge and think it's silly of me to be so attached to a mere talking stage, allow me to set the scene. Personally, in my 19 years of living I have never dated nor been in a relationship, never even got close to it. It's honestly personal preference. However, this decision of mine was recently changed when someone came into my life... as they always do. This person and I have been close friends for a while, and it was him who made the first move. I never saw him as anything more than a friend, so for a few months he was actively trying to win my heart (with my consent) while I was actively friendzoning him (with his consent). Honestly, hats off to him for chasing me despite me saying no so many times. Eventually, however, I started to develop real feelings, and for a while after that, we were like a real couple. I wouldn't say it was a situationship, because that makes it sound silly and non-committal (but no judgement towards situationships xd). We had real intentions of someday actually dating, but we had to get to know each other first, as to not go in too deep too early and end up breaking each other's hearts. 

He showed me a kind of love I have never experienced, and at this point, I'm really starting to want something real with him. However, it all came to shambles when yesterday he came out to me as non-binary (any pronouns). Now, as a cishet woman (but also a huge ally!) who knows nothing, I fear I may say something wrong at some point throughout this paragraph, so I would like to apologise in advance if I do. Anyway, I had no issue whatsoever with his gender identity, and I completely supported and respected this decision of his. However, I now had a new issue. As previously stated, I'm straight. Like, straight as a ruler. I'm only attracted to men. And since I respected his identity, I no longer saw him as a man, and so I felt like I could not be attracted to him anymore. I don't know if that's the right thing to do when your partner changes their gender to a gender you are not attracted to. I have no idea what to feel. I felt horrible. 

So I asked him what should happen. Him, being a realist, said that most probably I will lose attraction towards him, which he is completely fine with. And he said that the best outcome is probably us going back to being good friends. So... here we are now. I'm expected to be just friends with the person who I once wanted to give the world to. 

Part of me thinks I should've just sucked it up, because genders are just labels? And in that case if I'm attracted to who he is as a person then that should be enough. But the other part of me thinks I did the right thing because I think he deserves someone who loves him for whatever he may be. Someone who's actually attracted to non-binary people. Which isn't me. I don't know, really. And now I'm wallowing in my sadness and I've just been doing nothing but crying for the past 24 hours. I really wanted it to be him. He was supposed to be my first everything. I love him so much and I know he loves me too, and I bet under all of that stoicism he wishes I loved him the way he is.

That's the end of my yap session, thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read all of this. If anyone has some nice words for me, I would love to hear them <3.

Toodles!

Love, Zara