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I haven’t written on here in a while, and that is on purpose. I haven’t posted on snap in a while besides those two recent ones, and that is on purpose.
I am feeling upset and betrayed, and I’ll get to why, but first I want to tell you what I really want. What I desire in a friend, partner, etc, is someone who consistently chooses me. Not out of self abandon, someone who is secure in themselves but makes me an important part of their life, even when that is hard. Someone who tries, someone who is kind to me even when I’m not present. And that is something you do not do. You are unsure of if you can choose me, you can’t even tell me that you are willing to try. I have heard from multiple people that you talk badly about me. Meanwhile you are reading this. Can you see how that is inconsistent behaviour? You do not have to be ready for anything, I never said everything had to happen right now. But the least you could do was not talk shit about me, that’s really low. That’s what makes me feel upset and betrayed. And I know it isn’t you.
You are one of the kindest people I’ve met, you’ve set the bar higher for other people who have come into my life since. It isn’t like you to treat others like this, or maybe it is, and you were putting on an act the entire time, which I doubt. Im not here to convince you to get better, that is not my responsibility, and that is for you to decide. Just know that this doesn’t just hurt me, because clearly that isn’t something you hold close enough. This effects you, and that’s something that I care about. You are hurting your mind, pushing people away, because it’s not just me. You can call me naive, because I love you despite everything I’ve heard. That does not mean I have to keep trying. Eventually I will get tired. Eventually this will be completely all on you to fix. Because I deserve to be treated well, to be a priority, to be loved. If you cannot even show me even a small amount that you are willing to try, I am not going to keep trying.
In this time I have been working on eating habits, and more on emotional regulation. Eating three meals a day actually makes you think straight, who would’ve thought right- and I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I actually want. And I’ve looked inwards, I’ve done pretty well for myself. And sure that is important, but I would like to surround myself with people that reflect that. If someday you can join me in that, I would love that so much. No matter what that looks like. And you can have off days, I knew what I was getting into. If I didn’t want to deal with you not being 100% all the time, I would’ve given up 456 days ago. But I do want to experience it with you. I wanna be able to make it even slightly better when it’s hard. And it’s not selfish to want that for myself too. Im here for all of it. You’d have to do your part for this to work.
If you want me to stay, you either have to show me you will be present at some point, or show up for me. However is comfortable.
- Kennedy
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