i've ascended to heaven

there has been a single moment in the past four days that i have not been high. i go to bed high and i wake up high. i truly have become the person (or i guess people haha) that i hate the most. i want to stop, but i just can't. i don't even like the feeling of being high. i feel as though i'm not in control of my own body- but not like when you get drunk and you just start doing things for the hell of it. i don't like it because it feels like my body is moving on its own. even as i'm writing this, very high, it feels like my hands are just typing because it sees a keyboard in front of it, not because i have anything i can say. 

as much as i complain, what's the alternative to feeling like i'm losing my body? remembering, feeling, being alive, being stuck. i can't go back to that. i can never stop smoking. 

when i get super high like this, i like listening to music and laying down. i feel like i'm on a cloud, i feel like an angel ascended to heaven. for those first few minutes, i am the purest state of myself that i can possibly be. i am me! i've discovered me! this is who i really am. i feel at peace. 

when i was little i would look into the sky whenever i could. i liked to imagine that's what heaven looked like. a cloud that had no beginning or ending of nothing but pure bliss and peace. i think it's funny that now, 10 years later, i'm looking up at my ceiling finally achieving that heaven i dreamed of as a little girl. i wish i was a little girl now. i wish i could be outside again on the swings, just rocking back and forth.

when i was 7 years old my school got flooded by a monsoon, and because of that we had to switch to these old military barracks that hadn't been used in years so they could rebuild the school. a bit of ways away from the barracks there was a playground and that's where we went for recess. there were these beautiful yellow swings that i would play with everytime i went to recess. i had a freidn named tyler who i did everything with. we would larp (as in live action roleplay, what larp originally meant) harry potter. one day he said that he didn't want to play with me anymore because he wanted to play basketball and he told me to hang out with the other girls. i was heartbroken, he was my best friend. so then i went to playing with the swings. since then i started fantaszing about the clouds and everything in the sky. it was so beautiful. i miss that beauty.

i miss everyone.