"I dont believe you"

I don't believe you.

I don't believe that your words of reassurance aren't laced with pity.

I don't believe that you are genuine. 

I don't believe that you think I'm strong.

I don't believe you.

I can't believe you.

after the millionth "you are so strong", "it's okay", and "I'm here for you", in my mind your words become laced with venom and pity. your words no longer feel genuine, and all your repeated poison makes the blade and metal flame taste so much sweeter. 

 I don't know why I can't believe you.

I wish my brain were hardwired differently so I could be sober happily and not just to avoid how guilty you make me feel when I pick the lighter back up, so I would stop seeing your words as lies, so I could actually believe you.

I want to believe you.

I want to believe you could possibly love me as much as I love you, but I won't, I can't, and I will never be able to escape the lies my mind is feeding me to twist your words against you.