A longing...

I long for a sense of normalcy. Specifically, I long for feelings that are considered mundane and normal. 

I long to walk through my front door, and feel like I've come home. 

I long to have someone to call my best friend, and for it to be reciprocated.

I long for a friendship everyone but me seems to experience. One where we are both so similar, yet so different, that everything feels right in the world. Like, when I'm with them, physically or spiritually, nothing could go wrong, and if it does, I know I can rely on them. 

I long to go to bed, and sleep. Not think about everything that could be, had I grown up to be someone, something. 

I long to take up space in a way that comes naturally and unapologetically. In a way that doesn't leave me wondering if I'm simultaneously too much and not enough. 

I long to be able to be me, not act like me. 

I long for someone to care for me as I care for them. For someone to give gifts to for the sheer joy of making and giving. Not for the fear that it's the only way I'm worthy of them. Being able to give them things with the underlying knowledge that they care for me and about me for who I am, not who I present myself to be.

I long to stop acting, and be truly happy. 

I long to be completely sure that the happiness I feel is one hundred percent real, not forced and fleeting. 

I long to be normal.