𓏵Vent .ᐟ ˚. ᵎᵎ

Im Sorry im Sorry im Sorry im Sorry im Sorry im Sorry 

Its the First time that i feel like im living smt that u Will not understand or accept ,She took away my phone all this time ,i couldnt find It anywhere ,She dont hid It in a bagnor closer smt like that . She said i Will not hace It until i act like a normal person and behave "Natural" She said It was not okay to isolate and not 'stay in family' when She said that She mean sit with family while they talk abt staff i canti say my opinion abt bc She dont and Just stat sit there without doing nothing bc ita polite 

(Let me tell u my opinion in tired that in my culture being dead while brething is polite ,sitting without doing nothing Its not polite,have a ordinary Life Is not polite ,not tell Ur opinion its not polite and all this for what? For not male other ppl,family,guests and ppl order mad? THEY CAN BE MAD,I DONT CARE . I genitori dont give a single shit abt sm1 that dont rispect  my decisons)

She said She wanted "old doaa back" the doa that She took away and want me to create again alone in a versione of me,apatica and confused that She made me become

She tried to male the victim and fake shes the broken One here idk if in rally suffering anymore,i tried to hand my self in the bathroom  and She been again check how many time i stat there ,She said its my fault not hers . And shes angry most abt the fact that u Rarely smile ,that Aldo her fault ,i didnt talk to u abt all what happend when She discovered my sh but i didnt been able ro smile the smile the same way front that day.

Idk when i did stop smiling but i swear i didnt choose to 

Im sure She Just want doa of middle school ,her obedient puppy ,when i was in middle school i tought that everything toxic that She do was good,abusing me in the bathroom was for my beauty,that not make me hang out was like losong virginity.

When i tought everything fucked up abt how She treat me was 'right' and She said i was more obedient with her mouth . And im sure of It bc She keep Say in front of everyone "when they are small they are easier to command " She said im a fucking sinner and now idk if i wanna be religious anymore bc normal things like talk to Boys She call her sin ,so beat the shit out of me Is not sin right?

She keep blame and scold me and every single Word She say i feel like  less and less dignity as a human ,ik yk how much i can be sad and confused some times and ik how this sound like normale things that are not a big deal or at leasy for me but u have to belive me when i Say in rally suffering like a dog

Im coping everything that i wrote on my notes and the Copy them as a blog in her phone bc She wanna get rid of ky notebook She almost broke It idk if She want to take It back in Italy or less She said with her own mouth "are u using this for seek help from all of this??" And She keep yap abt It She seem Terrified that I might ask for help or get testimoniansed with that notebook 

Like She try ti get rid of It Like that 

She call me a Traitor to her and my father because "I didn't come out as expected"

Im so scared of not having my phone back ,of i dont in next On Saturday I will try anything, even pray at her feetdb(littelary) or call my dad 

When he saw the diary he said I wouldn't have it until August 

All I do is have high anxiety all day, ALL DAY AND I CAN'T SLEEP AT ALL 

Im scared bc idk how to act normal

And the way my Brother tried to give her as infomations as possible and expose me oh God ,oh God

Idk what to Say abt this pain and idk why It sound like overreacting  bc in suffering too much for this situation 

She said She want me to get out of school to get married or work or whatever She also Discovered my meds and First I wanted to drink the cleaning and beauty products in the bathroom 

I swear un going Crazy 

I Wish i was a normal person

She was complaning with my uncle that I never speak and artists are always out of their minds and draw instead of speaking that's true but why blame me for It 

So i had a Attack And I broke a blanket a little, I feel guilty,pull my head agains the wall,pull my hair away I don't have a picture but I've never pulled out that much unless my hair has somehow become weaker

She keep tease me and Say  those metods or her Is making me a Better persone and Say in front of everyone "well doa since u dont have phone anymore lets meet each other" idk why it pmo so muchh but i keep cry from 1 to 4 times a day Just without do Anything or think abt Anything i keep bite my arms and lips and u dream of a universe where Ivan actually care abt ne and i mean smt to him

Again idk why all her likes and teases pmo so muchh It have the same effect when i was a kid crying and crawling into the bathroom while She look at me and Say "I won't have mercy on you even if you cry blood" and idk why this pain make me want to ask Sorry with all my self what make me Internalize it like this 

Im almost sure After all this my mentali health Will be even worse and more It get worse more She Will behave likes this and im scared that i Will not be able to recover from everything She done to me even when i Will be ur Age 

I was thinkinh abt Throw myself off the roof since it's easy to access and doesn't have a key but I don't want anything to happen before see u