Things that I still struggle to come to terms with

You know, I really shouldn't be airing my dirty laundry like this on the internet, but shit's just brutal.

Before you read any further, this is gonna be some deep shit, don't read it if you're not in the mood to hear some rando's problems and/or for those who’ve already formed an opinion on me… also just be irreversibly exposed to the fact that I am very, very, very mentally ill.

I try my best to be a good person, I want to do good things, live a good life. Treating people fairly is something I'm really passionate about. Yet even so, this truly feels like a huge stain on my character, and it always has. I’m so tired of feeling like this is a moral failing on my part.

What kills me is that I know I could be such a good person, I mean, shit, I could be Jesus level good. Yet this would still make countless amounts of people feel uncomfortable with me, or wary, or anything like that. It sucks because I didn't choose it, but I could never in a thousand years bring myself to blame them. 

I mean... really, I'm not even upset right now. You know that deep feeling of dread you get when something you've known for years but have been repressing just truly sinks in and you're forced to acknowledge it? I feel that way right now, it's almost as unbearable as every other irrational thought and urge. Except this time it’s anything but irrational and I couldn’t write it off as such even if I wanted to.

I really do not enjoy disclosing this information, but to add context, I have bipolar disorder, and it's just... so... fucking... brutal. I used to cope saying it was just genetic, that I was doomed from the start, that my past had nothing to do with it. But when you close your eyes, you know you'll have to open them again one day. 

Whether that day be today, tomorrow, yesterday, in a year, or maybe even ten, it will happen. It's a bit like death. I can try to run, I can try to ignore it, deny it, whatever the fuck I do to keep myself from absolutely losing my shit; It always catches up to you. Not just to me, because it isn't a me problem. As a principle, everything that follows you will always catch up at some point whether you're running, walking, sprinting, or crawling. 

It's been years now. 

Years. 

In the past few months I just keep having moments of clarity, moments where I can look at the past through different eyes… and then I forget because I always forget. It’s one of my worst qualities, my most self destructive habit that I just can’t quit because remembering has only ever served to hurt me. 

Everything in me tells me I should've just repressed it, I should've just gotten over it, I should've forgotten, I shouldn't even be affected by it because that makes me a pussy and I should know better than to submit like that. Part of me feels like I'm lying every time I say I'm struggling. 

Because, y'know, the funny thing about this, about living with this disorder, about living a life where you've been mentally unstable since being single digit aged: it's that you don't even know how much of a wreck you are. I feel so normal, this is just life, I don't feel sick, or ill, or fucked up, or like I'm a mess, or that I'm out of the ordinary at all. But the truth I’ve had to face is that I am, and I didn't wanna admit that. Not to anyone at all, but god, least of all... to myself. 

I spent so long searching. There was something wrong with me, clearly so, because living doesn't look like it hurts this much for anyone else. Naturally, I found my answer; but y'know, an answer isn't always a solution. It wasn't in this case.

I mean, I've been on 6 different medications now, if that didn't work, what will? 

You know, I really have no clue what public perception of this disorder and by extension people like me is like. Sometimes I wonder about how everyone else sees it, how they assume my life is like. Sometimes I wonder about how this disorder looks like in other people. But, y'know, I don't talk to people in the same boat, I never address it period. I know I should be doing that, I'd say I'm working on it, but am I really? Because you know, I can say that, but god knows I'll throw caution to the wind in less than a week. It's so trippy, y'know? It's just so utterly confusing. It never, ever felt like bipolar, it was just my life. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I believe in, I don't know my goals, the things I love, the things I care about... I don't know because there's no way I could ever accurately predict how I'll feel in a month let alone fucking tomorrow. I can't even predict how I'll feel in the next hour. Do things ever get better? 

The future really does look bleak. I don't even know what I'm going to do with myself. 

What career do I want? I'm not sure myself. What does appeal to me is for the mean time barred from me because I am just not responsible enough; and it always leaves me with this question: If not this, then what am I responsible enough for? Nothing is what I’ve landed on and what I've stuck with. I'm not going anywhere until I get better.

Even if I did know, who says I wouldn’t fuck myself over again? But man, this really is hitting me now because I'll have to graduate next year, I need to have this shit fairly decided by fall.

I'm not ready yet. How much time will it take for me to be?

How does it even feel to live without this burden? I'm so curious, yet at the same time I don't want to see it because it doesn't contain the amount of novelty I'm always dying to chase. I wish I wasn't wired this way, it kills me every time I think about it.

Even if I can't change it, I'm still so frustrated about the fact that I lose so many things because of something I had no say in.

But I just, god, I feel so bitter, and honestly? Just... so hopeless, so empty, and so, so filled with dread. I live in the moment, I have since forever because the moment is the only thing that is ever really true to me. The past has passed, I've already forgotten how it feels to want the things that I wanted yesterday. The future isn't here yet, so why worry? 

But truth is, even if the future isn't here yet, it will be some day. Futures become presents and I'll have to deal with it at some point. I wish I could stay in one moment forever; I wish there was no yesterday and no tomorrow. Because frankly, I'm just so antsy, I'll admit it, I'm terrified. I've already completely forgotten how I felt yesterday, let alone my entire life. I don't remember how it's like to be anything but what I am now. Tomorrow is just as scary because I have not the slightest clue what it could entail.

I don't even understand why I'm so afraid of the unknown: because there hasn't been a single moment in my life that I remember where I've felt secure. All I want is just peace of mind, I want to trust myself for once. I could never even do that because I'm afraid my highs would get me into more shit than my lows. 

It's just... so fucking unfair.

I don't get it. Why me? Well, truly, it was a lottery and I lost it. It's as if out of 100 tickets bought, 99 get the prize and I just had to end up with the one without it. I wouldn't be so bothered if that prize wasn't simply just the right to normal development. I'm so upset because choices that I didn't make destroyed my life, or at the very least the amount of it that I've lived. 

I really, genuinely do just have so much faith in humanity. I love humans. I don't care if humans are the reason I've turned out this way, humans are also the reason why I've had the moments of joy that I've had. I wholeheartedly believe people can get better. 

But me? I can't say that I'm as confident in myself.

Maybe I should be extending myself the same grace, but I've watched myself try and fail way more times than I've watched anyone else.

Sorry. I mean, shit... Venting on the internet is just not something I'm all too keen on. Venting in real life is already weird, but here? It's so stupid because it's so vulnerable and vulnerability is a thing I have never been able to afford.

You know, it shouldn't matter this much to me. I don't say this shit in real life because it fucks with the way people see me. Of course it does here too, and I don't know why I care because frankly, I don't give a shit about any of you. It's the internet for fuck's sake, I'm here because I'm bored as fuck of my own life like you all probably are too. I mean... I guess it's better than doing some stupid shit and doing irreversible damage to myself.

But yeah, no, whatever. Part of me hopes no one ever sees this, yet part of me hopes for the opposite.

Honestly, after all of this, the one thing I've learnt is that...

It can't be over,

If it never even begun.