goodbye bathroom

today i went to my beachhouse for the first time this summer. finally. i've been waiting for this moment for a long long time. i've already basically spent half of my summer not sleeping at night and eating very unhealthy food to the point where I (me!???) even told myself to stop on the sugary shit for a bit. i drank like 12 bottles of coca cola in like 2 weeks. that's a lot man. i really like coca cola tho. plus all the monster energy cans i've had everytime i went out... damn.

anyways the car ride there was great, i slept through half of it but i felt as free as a leaf. i had italian 70s hippie music on speakers and i could already imagine all the wonderful experiences i would have as a teenager living by the sea...   i actually in 11 years of going to this same place have never made any actual friends here. as a kid the only others i used to interact with were the ones playing with my cousins and then as i grew older no one my age kinda ever clicked with me. plus i never went out most of the time when at this place. i just stared at cars passing in the same road for 80% of my summer nights. i see all these people partying and playing guitar at the beach with friends around a campfire swimming at 2 am and whatever the fuck. and im sitting here looking at every function in the options app on my phone so i can 'optimize' it to the fullest. idk i never got that sort of stuff. i sometimes walk along the sidewalk next to the beach in the evening, see some dudes playing volleyball and i ask myself what it could have been like to be among those kids my age having fun together.
yeah well what a sad fucking life you fucking pathetic loser, why don't you go and fucking die or something? you fucking fuck. yeahyeah ok little voice of tony soprano that's inside my head that can also possess me into writing down what you say on my spacehey blog, im not trying to get you on my side making you feel oh so sad and sorry for me, i'm just writing down how i feel! i'm still way less whiny than most of bloggers on this site anyways. you go to therapy too, you should know.

boohoo bitch

now the real reason for why i'm now sitting on my grandma's armchair with my laptop in hands is for one particular reason. they say you shouldn't get too attached to physical belongings but i was just deprived of the very special and beautiful space in which i spent all of those depressing and wonderful summers of my life. long story short 1/3 of my beachouse had to be given to another random ass person and that part was the one that belonged to ME. it was also my cousin's space but it was also MINE!!! i had a little bed next to an empty chimney, a nice portion of a balcony in which i could listen to music and stare at cars and a bathroom with a shower and a toilet and a sink and a mirror and even a bidet! (we use that one to clean our asses in italy, it looks like a shorter version of a sink). 
when i got wind of this news, and learned that they even had to literally put an ugly ass cement wall in between my beautiful room and the rest of the house, i was devasted, even more so when i saw it for the first time. so many memories, now never replicable for one dumb ass lady that i don't even know!!!! damn her... damn her damn soul!! to hell with this damn lady, damn it!!!! may the painting of that creepy doll over MY bed that terrified my younger cousin curse her and send her spiraling into madness until she can't no more and throws herself off that portion of balcony... and i'll be there... still... staring at the same road below... just like i always have... grinning.........

no i'm kidding but i am really bummed out about it. 

i went to the beach today for the first time this year and moved towards the water to swim. what a splendid sensation, it's always the best the first time every year. now, since the sea is salty, you get all sticky and whatever so it's good to take a shower after, yk yeah makes sense, i've always done that, i take showers, yes i do, uh huh, but when i got back home i realized that i now had to go take a shower in the OTHER bathroom???? 

nah man.... the OTHER bathroom..? the one that my stinky gremlin cousins use? ahhh mmaannnn... plus it's all blue! like very blue! it's all blue and shit there's not even another color anywhere exclamation mark exlacmation mark!!!!! it's like that song that goes im blue daboodeedaboodaboodaboodeedabooda. i hate that song man, not as much as this bathroom tho. my old bathroom was white and grey and had a washing machine that was very loud and soothing to my ears while i took a poop, it just felt like home. this one feels alien, and it doesn't even have a bidet!!!!!!

anyways where am i going with this. the shower in this other bathroom isn't a shower, it's this bathtub that had the shower thing with the two red and blue valves for water. i got into that thing and i already washed off half of the salt off of me with my TEARS because i was so sad i had to get into that BLUE thing. i turned on the water and i had to calibrate between the two thingies trying to find the right temperature and at first it was hot, but then suddendly it was kinda cold.. and then! it was hot again :DD and then cold :((( and then hot again, but then cold, and then hto and then cold, and thennnn hot and then cold!! hot and then.. coldd and then hot and then cldo! and thetm got andfld and then it was colf and again thwn horgt efjhwefhbde efvdvdf coldand bethe ret hot  hewnba erfcold cefathne thn diec wehot eawindd gerc coldc o cdk c eaundwf thott,, ,c aothenmn wasarcoldd......................... big big sigh sound effect 

at least i had a mirror to look at myself while i was sobbing and weeping trying to get this fucking thing to work while also trying to not splash water everywhere since you know it's a fucking bathtub (no curtains) not a shower with walls like in my previous and better bathroom, holy fuck. and it's not even giving that introspective aesthetic anyways, if i were a woman it'd be more romantic and cinematic and idk kinda feminist in a cool way, you know what i mean? like those dsbm music videos with the naked girl in the bathtub, just minus all the blood and stuff. they're always in a bathtub too, why is that. slit your wrists in like a big witch cauldron that'd be way more interesing and black metal too. idk this sounds really weird but i was thinking about it in the moment. 

ok what else idk i listened to this chinese prog rock jazz rock art rock album it was pretty fucking weird but it made me weirdly happy for some reason. i went into it thinking it was japanese but when the vocals began i felt the spirit of the wu tang enter me (tiger style!!!!(bring the mothafuckin ruckussss)). fourth and seventh tracks are my favorites. english name for it is Inside The Cable Temple by Omnipotent Youth Society. 

i guess this is so him for reasons we will never know

ciao