Can shame and freedom coexist?

"Soul, if you want to learn secrets,

your hearts must forget about
shame 
and dignity.
You are God's lover,

yet you worry
what people
are saying."

-Rumi

In this article I'd like to take a closer look at an emotion all of us have experienced. More specifically shame. How does an emotion so intangible stop people from achieveing real freedom? I consider it the cruelest form of emotional self-inflicted punishment the psyche can conjure up. In fact, despite of it being just as prevalent, the emotion itself is not nearly as romanticized as sadness or anger. For some reason shame in its essence may be viewed as shameful to even discuss. 

What is shame?

Unlike fear, happiness or sadness (primitive emotions) which we are all born with, shame takes on a completely different form. It's a self-evaluative emotion, completely dependant on particular cognitive prerequisities. There are certain factors that have to be met to grant us the ability to feel it. Because it is so closely tied to the sense of self and self-awerness, that to experience it on a cognitive level an individual needs to be capable of forming self-representations. We humans tend to compare and evaluate ourselves accordingly to internalised external values. It is because of these capacities that we're susceptible to the feeling of shame. 

I find it difficult to define and consider it a part of a much bigger framework. Especially since it doesn't manifest itself universally across different cultures. It's generally described as an overwhelming negative emotion characterized by the feeling of global self-evisceration.
         
When do we feel it?

It can refer to a multitude of differentiating areas of life such as identity, characteristics of the body, habits, sexuality etc. Unfortunately shame and low self esteem go hand in hand, the lower it is, the more prone we are to feeling it. Similarily if we experience shame frequently, our self-esteem lowers drastically.    


What's so catastrophic about it?

In contrast to guilt whereas the psyche focuses solely on an individual's actions, shame targets one's own identity. It's the mind's way of dealing with a discrepancy between the ego and the ego-ideal. It attacks who we are at the very core, dictates that we are inherently flawed. The terrible thing about it is that it often speaks to you in absolutes. Despite there not being any solid evidence, it's doing a pretty good job of convincing you that you're in fact a flawed, horrible person. It may be incredibly challenging to turn that critic off, or at least pay him no mind.

This belief damages one's self-worth. It's been noted that profound feelings of shame lead to hgher cortisol levels which dampen the activity of the prefrontal cortex. Which in turn makes it nearly impossible to adapt, causing emotional shutdowns. Prolonged feelings of shame may manifest themselves as isolation and social withdrawl which is caused by the inherent belief of not being love worthy. It reveals itself externally as somatic responses such as chronic high muscle tension or high blood pressure. It activates the posterior insular cortex leading to the "pit in the stomach" feeling". Altough it may seem counterintuitive it's oftentimes linked to agressive behaviour, wherein overwhelming internalized shame turns into emotional outbursts or even bullying in an attempt of regaining the sense of control.

Pride and shame, two sides of the same coin.

"Prince Zuko, pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame."

-Iroh

To understand this delicate intricacy we need to differentiate between two sorts of pride. On one hand we've got authentic pride which is grounded in the real efforts and accomplishments of an individual. On the other we've got hubristic pride, rooted in low-self-esteem and lack of perceived competencies. Serving the purpose of hiding the feelings of inadequacy.  

Both shame and  hubristic pride keep people in need of external approval. They function as exaggerations of the self, keeping us attached to a false identity. The failure of keeping up with the prideful ego-ideal version of the consciousness further leads to shame fueled spirals. The cycle continues, leading to a consecutive redefining and erasure of the self.

Sexual shame, modern plague?

One of the most taboo shame-related subjects is sex. We live in a porn-crazed society driven by purity culture. We're being religiously conditioned from a very young age. Brought up with the notion that natural desires are inherently dirty/wrong. Shame plays an enormous role in all of this. It may take on different forms. Manifesting itself as a difficulty of letting your partner see you. Disgust and humilition felt due to an individual's preferences and desires. Feeling physically flawed due to observing the unrealistic anatomy standards presented in porn. Last but not least, there's religious sex related shame, stemming from doctrines and the notion of viriginty equating with moral purity.  
 
Shame negates true freedom.

As a self-evaulative emotion, keeping people in the trenches of seeking external validation and acceptance, shame fully invalidates freedom. One cannot be truly free while bound by the perceived judgment of others and the self. It's impossible to soar high whilst keeping oneself susceptible to the inner critic dangling conformity right in front of your face as if it were a prize. As a matter of fact conformity breeds limitations, leading us into taking on a stagnant attidue. There's no progress without failure. Shame eradicates the chance of failing by scaring you into idleness. It's this futile attempt of the psyche trying to shield you from the possibility of being perceived. 

You ought to fail time and time again. It's infinitely better to stride amongst those who failed than those who never tried.