Situationship/possible Twin Flames

I can't stand being a system because it's so fucking hard to maintain being a good person without your alters trying to ruin everything. 

I'm the Host, I'm inlove with another system (lets call them Ita) at the moment, we have been a 2 month situationship which at first had a mutual understanding. Although to them it was actually infatuation at first, they didnt know which alter liked me, if it was platonic or not, and thats exactly like me. But i thought mine was platonic at first, they thought it was romantic at first because both our emotions were on and off due to OSDD. 

In my whole life I'm not really a conventionally attractive person, i weigh higher than usual for a normal 16 year old. I'm genuinely ugly, not a tiktok-ugly way, ugly. So if you could guess, i rarely got anyone to like me. I had 2 exes and both were from Discord. First one was a 22 year old groomer who just wanted to use me for their fuel of attention, while the second one fell inlove only at the idea of me ( hence why she liked me before even talking to me, we dated 2 weeks after talking stage and lasted a year before she broke up with me. )

Everyone who had a crush on me was only interested at the idea of me. Once i show my face i'm suddenly seen as a piece of trash. So while my friends are getting real-life people confessing to them, i had only pedophiles and online friends who's never seen my face or real personality. Everyone who liked me, tried to date me or whatnot was online and wanted to know me with the purpose of dating. No one actually wanted to talk to me just because they're interested in being friends. They just wanted my attention.

As a minor with OSDD it's hard for me to maintain a normal relationship so during my first 2 exes on Discord, I was the avoidant one. After multiple traumatic experiences i tend to pull away when i get too close. In my head, my avoidancy would be the reason those relationship failed. 

So when I met Ita it was very different. I mean seriously, we simply met at an Itasasu discord server, they reached out and joined my discord server through my strawpage to simply be friends as they're a very social person overall. We'd talk about itasasu, and even matched pfps by the first 24 hours we met. That's great, I felt very seen that someone understood this ship more than the sexual intent of incest fetish many may only ship them for. 

We later found out we're both systems and have even similar alters, similar everything.  I felt so happy and we began to greet each other goodmorning and goodnight every day. To me it was the fastest that someone got to know me and vise versa. 

In my head, if I wanted to continue this friendship I will want to tell them about everything about me. So i did, i showed them my real age, real identities, ups and downs. and they continued to be friends with me. I felt confused at this burst of dopamine. They were like the copy paste of me. We both ended up in a situationship. Because we met thru something seen deeply disgusting(since itasasu is considered weird, they're brothers after all)

Because we met thru this, It's like we could tell each other more deep things that we could understand.

Was it casual when we genuinely believed we would never find anyone like each other again, that you're willing to fly across the globe to meet me, that you're usually not that active on answering dms but im an exception, that we both went for 2 hours of sleep once just bcs we couldnt stop talking to each other, that we related to each other's side of our favorite ship, that our friends know each other's names cuz we cant stop talking about each other, that you told me we were such a perfect due because we complete each other with you having the ideas and me for making them, that you freaked out when i said ily for the first time, that we both questioned if we liked each other romantically to other people, that we greeted each other goodmorning and goodnight daily , that we messaged each other first thing in the morning, that you told me you would miss me in your sleep, that we both told each other we're so happy to have held on till this moment because otherwise we wouldnt have met each other, that we matched pfps by the first few hours of us meeting.

was it casual when you were the reason i was clean from sh, and everyone i knew started noticing how happy i am, even my own parents, and that you appeared in my birthday letters 4 times because the closest people in my life claimed that i have been the happiest since i met you. was it casual when we fit each other's description of what we want in a romantic partner, you constantly talked to your friends about how similar we are and how fun we spend together. 

We talked about being yin and yang. That we kinned each other's favorite (their fav was sasuke and mine was itachi's)

Yea... it was bad

But for once i felt loved for who i am. They saw me through the walls i used to built up and stayed. I showed my face as much as i can so i don't dissapoint them, they stayed. We didn't communicate about our feeligns but I ended up finding out they genuinely had a crush on me thru a confession channel where they screenshotted my message of hinting i liked them and sent it there.

I see them constantly talk about me, ect. And ive never seen anyone love me that way before. Sure my exes did the same thing but it wasn't real like this. Which is funny because Ita's other names were the same as those 2 exes. Ita's birthday is October 4th while my ex's was October 5th. 

Everything was leading to the fact they genuinely might be *the one*

It's like they're the embroidery of everything i've been looking for. Like we both said we believed in fate because of each other. We talked about being happy we held on till may (PTV reference) because May was when we got super close. We were so similar that it felt unreal. We talked about meeting each other in the future. We never met anyone so much like each other before. 

What i knew about Ita is that they'd have certain moments of infatuation to avoidant tendencies. I understood that more than anything. Like i said, i used to be avoidant. Now I'm trying to fight it and pursue them instead of pushing them away because maybe my problem is my fear of vulnerability. I see them being distant and it reminded me of myself.

In my head i'd hope they'd come along. Although what worried me was not the fact they were distant, rather the fact i didn't know why. Was it simply another alter? was it the fact they're in a depressive crash episode? or was it just to me, where they dont wanna lead me on because they found out they felt platonic towards me now? What is it? I cried for days. 

It's been 16 days since we last called (Promise by Laufey reference! ouch!)

last month i finally confessed a 4k doc about how i felt. i asked them for the relationship we both wanted. One that can be queerplatonic and can be romantic sometimes. It made me sick talking about my feelings. I never confessed before towards a person and became something. Everyone who's dated or liked me confessed to me first or then so left me too. I never broken up with anyone. I constantly talked about never confessing to them to my friends.

I refuse to talk to a person about how i feel whether its a positive thing i felt about them or even a negative thing. From where I live in this household, I've constantly been called weak for any attachment i formed that wasn't my family. If i felt attached to my friends, i'd be punished for liking to hang out with them more than my parents. Because when i get attached, i get deep into it. They become a sort of weakness to me because honestly, if someonne threatened me...My friends will be the only thing that will make me comit to it. 

So me confessing to them felt so new. But yk...i wished i confessed sooner. I wish i had the courage to talk to them about these feelings because now it was too little too late. (another laufey reference ik)

I was still confused if it was platonic or romantic because I was scared it was just infatuation for me. So when I confess, ill find out how ill feel based on their response.

and well...I find out they felt platonic towards me now and it was likely bipolar infatuation during the first month. All of that was infatuation or another alter. nothing else. And honestly i knew. I knew it but i still continued to confess because it ate me up that those few weeks of happiness were infatuation. If we fall out of talking, we'd never have the time to talk about our first weeks together. We'd just stop talking without ever bringing those days up. They'll never know how i felt.

But the very moment they rejected to the idea, no not even to a queerplatonic relationship, thats when i realized i loved them that way. That it hurt me they could be bestowed to another. That it won't be me who'll be there with them in the future. They won't be the one when all i wanted was them. 

Now they're matching pfps with someone else. They rarely reply or check up on me any longer even when they seem to be more "out" of that depressive episode. They don't ask me to sleep any longer. Instead of being an exception, i became just another person to them. It's been 16 days since we called, 15 days since i confessed.

My friends who loved Ita suddenly is starting to hate them, asking telling me to give up on them and stop hanging around them longer. Everyone I know sees them as the villain of the story but I...can't.

I can't hate them no matter how hard I try because i loved them more than anyone else i loved this way. To everyone it's just another online situationship that every teenager goes thru but no one ever actually understands. It's not just a situationship for me. I found myself a one way ticket to everything I asked for as a partner but it failed. Everyone's who's ever told me to stop pursuing them is skinny or attractive, loved and had irl exes and situationships. Nobody understood how it felt at all.

I see them in everything and everyone. Their interests and traits was so diverse i remember them thru everyone i know. because talking to them was like all the people i loved and all my friends combined into one person. I wish I could have told them sooner when they still were infatuated and maybe i could have formed a label or did something so that i could show them the relationship we both agreed we dreamt of.

Bcs im not expecting them to talk to me daily hourly or more. hell i spent a week not talking w my ex and it was okay. It's just bad when there's no label. Because if they come back to liking me after being avoidant, then yay. But what if they avoid me then continue to do so forever because there's no label holding us together? I could give them space, i'm not a weirdo who asks for attention daily. i also sometimes refuse to reply or talk to anyone for sometime or when a different alter. But i want a label.

If anything comes to shove, they'll still be mine and we'll come back to the before. But they're not mine, they never will.

Maybe im delusional but i feel like it wasn't ACTUALLY infatuation. They could have confused negative emotions or feelings or distance as a lost of feelings towards me but i don't wanna be an egoistic asshole so i can't just assume that.

All i know is i'll UNDERSTAND them no matter what. They're still the itachi/naruto to my sasuke and i refuse to give up on them. If all their exes, situationships, ect. all ended because of their episodes, i'll be the one who break that cycle and continue talking to them. If they've forgotten how we were during the first weeks due to being a system, ill relive those moments with them.

They're all i could ask for, they made me believe in fate and i genuinely cannot let that go. I know how infatuation feels, but they saw me thru more than what the typical infatuation tends to eject. We were open to each other from the start. We showed our flaws from the first weeks. 

"Infatuation can turn into love if you are willing to slow down, share vulnerabilities, and truly get to know each other. The feelings we experience from a new relationship can be confusing. We might toss and turn in bed at night as they take up space in our minds, rent-free. We feel sick to our stomachs every time we're on our way to see them. Their kisses send us swooning. But is it love or just infatuation?

If you don't know the person well, yet you think they're perfect and have intense feelings for them already, you're likely infatuated. But if you're committed to someone on a deeper level, you're comfortable together and there is mutual intimacy, trust, and respect, you may be in love."

i got this from research. 

We've been vulnerable, we've had more deep talks than normal ones even. It was for sure more than infatuation. But i wish they could see that soon. I mean they hadn't closed me off either. they said "for now" so i could maybe get a chance. I understand they were going thru mania and said or felt or did things that were only infatuation but...

Was the connection really infatuation? I mean I'm happy we died down from being a little TOO much codependent to each other but that doesn't erase the facts we know we have. 

That doesn't erase the fact we were the only one who knew almost all the music we loved, that we compliment each other, that we understood each other more than the average person, that our whole dynamic felt like fate, that we were similar in almost every way, that our feelings WERE there. It doesn't erase that they know almost everything about me, it doesn't erase how we'd remember each other on many things. It doesn't erase that we felt more seen with each other than almost any other person.

They don't need to tell me they love me or appreciate me or whatever EVERY single day. Our relationship doesn't have to be intense all throughout all the time.

That was not just infatuation. Atleast for me. Otherwise if it genuinely is, it's a one sided love. Because I might genuinely never recover from this. I don't wanna keep chasing them because it hurts me more to hope.

I feel sick that one day they'll be in another situationship and tell me as a story. I feel sick that I sound selfish right now. 

They're my twin flame. I'm not sure if we'll come back and be together but atleast I know I've truly met my twin flame. I'll still keep my confession document up if ever. I wrote a message for them there. If Ita ever sees that document it means they thought of me. I won't delete it until I've moved on so they know as long as the docs are up, I'm still waiting for them.

If they find this.

Hey, you know who you are. I love you, let's be twinsane again? Please?