Be pursued or pursue?

For me, there are 3 main reasons, namely concept, thrill, uncertainty. Let's break it down together (o´ω`o)ﾉ

To begin with, I have had many crushes in the past but only 1 or 2 lasted long enough for me to actually get to know them. Back then at school and in my class, i was surrounded by couples with happy image, and for a lonely and deeply misunderstood girl, having someone close who stay by your side sounds nice. Maybe too nice when i started to get a little obsessed with finding "one true love", i try to find it in everyone i meet, every guy i talk to. Even if we do not actually capable of building a deep and trusting connection, i will try to bend the reality and ignore the slightly visible cracks. The concept of having someone love you deeply, trust you and you can love them and trust them back without being scared of getting hurt turned me someone who would force relationship with some guys just because a friend said "that guy is good/okay/fine" even though we have never talked before. In this world where everyone seems occupied with their own lives and circle, a floater friend like me has no one to turn to or trust, so i believed that the only person who can love you and trust is a boyfriend. And im not joeking when i say this, but that year, i tried to force into having a relationship with 3 or even 4 guys just because everyone has somebody and that concept urged me to get one so i could be at the same level as them, to get teased in class and consequently fit in effortlessly. Alongside with that is the perfect and unattainable image i have of the person in my mind, as i do not know them well, setting up the vision of a flawless and happy love life in my own head, deluding myself.

Secondly, when pursuing a certain person, it means you are getting to know more about them. It means you get to know new things about a certain person, discovering hidden talents or secret, seeing a new side of the personality they have, and for me the thrill of experiencing or learning something new is everything. During the chase, i would always find myself daydreaming about the future, when me and the guy would do all the thing i listed down, wanting to do with future boyfriend. After the long chase, when you finally have the guy, all the affectionate words and gestures feel like rewards, giving you a sense of achievement, strengthening your pride and ego, blurring the thoughts that "you are unlovable", making you feel like you actually belong to this world. Apart from that, you have feelings for someone but you still have the freedom, freedom of walking away without fights or arguments, having to explain yourself, freedom of liking someone else at the same time, or maybe freedom of getting to know about other people, having options for yourself. Many people like casual dating, afraid of commitment, scared of getting hurt, and wants to be the one in charge, directing how things go, by pursuing others, so they have to rights to leave whenever they want when things turn dull. Another reason i just thought of (the last one for this i promise) is bonding your friendships: when people have crushes, they often tell their friends thereby asking for tips and favors. Though it might seem as a simple gesture, it shows your trust you have of your friends (telling a secret), belief in their abilities (believing that they would be able to help), smaller gaps between both sides (sharing a secret, having private conversations, giving advice and staying late at night talking about it together), it also makes people pay more attention on you (suprised you have a crush, telling you things about the guy whenever they notice something new, teasing, etc).

Lastly, it is well-known that no one can see what will happen in the future, but it is the uncertainty that is the cherry on top of the cake. The unknown of what is waiting ahead is what fosters the mind to run free, uncertainty triggers rumination and dopamine. The brain treats "maybe" like a reward loop, similar to gambling as intermittent reinforcement keeps emotional attention locked in longer than certainty does. As far back as the 1970s, research in social psychology showed that people tend to think more about and feel stronger pull toward partners whose interest is ambiguous rather than clearly expressed. Similarly, a 2011 study published in Psychological Science confirmed that women reported higher attraction to men when they were unsure of how much those men liked them, compared to when the interest was obvious. Uncertainty while pursuing someone is often seen as the worst part, since you do not know if your efforts and energy would be paid off in the end. However, because it is considered as the worst part, people are afraid of it and tend to work harder to avoid it, making them crave the "rewards" and sense of achievement.

Personally, the thoughts of someone actually liking me and chasing me freaks me out so bad. Maybe it's because of my own insecurities, even i do not love myself that much, how could they? Or maybe it's because of the amount of affectionate they give me, it is totally different from mixed signs i usual get ?!?! Or maybe because they are too nice, meanwhile im a bad person ? ( ; ω ; ) Or maybe because they are actually genuine, and it is my first time there is someone who likes me for myself ! But i think the main reasons are, they are too stable, too dull, too mature and too in charge of the situation, and it freaks me out. However, i notice my flaws and the harms of this, the the long term effects it has on our mind and our lives. 

My advice: try to love yourself, focus on you, have actual standards, boundaries and stand on them, remember to be patient because what the future has for you, it will come ! ♡(>ᴗ•)

If you read until the end, thank you so muchy! This is my first time writing a blog, i may have not articulate my thoughts and vision for this blog well, but i'll keep practicing and my following blogs (if i do have any) it will be more polished and better. Again, thank you very much (´｡• ω •｡`) ♡